A Step Away
by icey cold
Summary: KotOR - Post Star Forge, Revan's life is crumbling down around her as she faces the past and tries to sort out her future. From the Unknown World to Coruscant, she must struggle against herself and the ideals she is raised to. Part I of VI
1. Section 1, Chapter 1: Happiness

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Disclaimer and Introduction: Everyone has an epic story in them at some point or another, yes? Well, after playing 'Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic' for perhaps the thirteenth time, I decided that while ficbits are all well and good, I want a little more substance to my writing.

Lucas Arts and Bioware own Knights of the Old Republic, all its world, characters, etc. I'm simply borrowing them.

Enjoy.

Happiness

The waves were crashing on the shore and knocking down the smallest of her towers. She had tried her hardest to solidify these small structures, used small scraps of metal at their core in order to keep them erect, but they were a lost cause. As a precautionary method, she had built a moat about the fortress's perimeter so that it too would not crumble. She was sure that the largest of her structures would not crumble, not with the layers of sand and silt she had packed so neatly and tightly. This was her personal citadel, with each layer of beach she added, another wall was built in her mind to solidify her resolve. They couldn't take that from her! No, they'd never breach it so long as she continued to shape and smooth the sandy walls.

_She stood at attention before the two masters. She was tired, they were all tired, but she wished she wasn't. She wanted to prove to them that she was still strong, that they had been wrong and what they had done was even more so. She wanted them to let her go. It was an impossible cause, she thought, but by sheer force of will she had been able to change many other events. So why now was this any different? _

Her arms hung at her sides and there was a notable absence of the Jedi's weapons. They had taken them from her, promising them back when she was 'ready.' They would have taken her ability to use the Force away if they could, but she had locked her mind down, hidden it from them. No more mind wipes, no more manipulation. Enough was enough.

"You must go with us, Padawan, to the Jedi Temple on Coruscant. You must complete your training," said Master Vandar.

"Ever is the lure of the Darkside strong. To leave you as you are would be dangerous. The temptation to use that which you have been given for misguided causes will be great. You will need to be retrained with the use of the Force and come to understand the wisdom of patience. The Council will decide when you will be fit for Knighthood again." Another lecture from Master Vrook that made her both shamed and infuriated. He had to rub salt in the already raw wounds. "Both you and Bastila will seek to be atoned for your actions."

Atonement. That word meant a lot to her. So did pardon. So did retribution and redemption. Tradition was something she couldn't be bothered with anymore.

Her foot traced an indefinite shape in the sand. "How long will this take, Masters?" she had asked.

"As long as it has to," was Vrook's reply.

"Are we to be punished?" she folded her hands neatly in front of her. Her foot did not stop its motion. The doodle was coming into focus with a few more slow strokes. She stared passively at the Jedi before her.

"There is no punishment greater then knowing the full extent of the evil that has been done. A Jedi who has fallen and has been redeemed knows this well. You understand, do you not, Padawan?" answered Vandar.

"I do," she said quietly. "Its painful." Her foot drew several diagonal lines and then a circle.

"That is good to hear," replied the small master.

"We leave tomorrow. You, Bastila, Jolee and Juhani will travel with us. You may wish to make your good-byes soon. You have a lot to do, Padawan, may the Force be with you." Vrook and Vandar turned and began a slow walk back to a small tent that had been set up further along the beach for meditation purposes. She could find no rest there among the perfect examples of her Order.

"And with you, Masters." She returned back to the Ebon Hawk_, leaving a diagram in the sand: the Star Forge._

Ebon Hawk 

Very little was left for the hero to do. She smiled, she waved and stood under the burning hot sun as inspiration for the Republic Troops. She laughed at some Admiral's poor joke, cried when no one was watching and built sandcastles when she was given a moment's peace.

Peace was good. She liked peace. Peace let her plan her future and, ever the tactician, planning was something that she did well. Who would get the Ebon Hawk? She knew Carth would do it justice, but Carth wasn't going to pilot a smuggling ship. Mission could handle it, but Mission didn't know how to fly. Canderous did, but Canderous wouldn't look out for Mission and Zaalbar, or would he? Perhaps she could convince the Mandalorian to serve as a bodyguard and supporter for Mission. Smuggling, even though she had had a brief brush with it, wasn't any profession for a fourteen-year-old. At least, not spice smuggling. If Mission were to undertake, say, Jolee's former lifestyle, bringing food and medicine to worlds without them…well she didn't have a problem with that. She might even be allowed to help out.

Unlikely.

Another layer added, this time with four watchtowers. They would keep the invisible army at bay whilst the monarchs within prepared their troops for battle. The first few spires would be shattered, but within the reinforced walls of the castle they would be safe, she would be safe. She could retreat to the central spire, the last addition to the fortress, and she could outlast the siege. If the walls were broken and the guards slain, its towering height and narrowness would allow her to fight them off at the pinnacle. It would take them awhile to climb all the stairs, but once they reached her at the top of the stair well, they would tumble back down to the depths from where they started. She would push them back and they would press forward. It would be epic and glorious.

Her blades would dance around their flesh until there was nothing left of both attacker and victim. She would be consumed by the blood and ritual or continue until she was too tired to fight, until her arms refused to lift her lightsabers to block the parries and she fell…

…tumbling over the edge into an oblivion of winding shapes and shadows…

She awoke to the stars and the surf. She was wet and cool, if not a little briny. The fortress loomed next to her; it still stood despite the hours of wear it had taken at the hands of the sea. The spire's silhouette climbed up to the moon and she sighed contently. Finally, something she made that didn't crumble to dust around her! She admired it and was at ease. She had peace for the moment and prayed that it would last forever.

"Don't let me down," she commanded the castle. "If you crumble, then I do too."

The small fortress didn't respond. Perhaps it didn't have to.

(((((((((()::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::>

Mission tossed the small ball between her hands. It was morning and there had been no sign of Revan, no, Libra, all night. She hadn't returned from her walk the day before and needless to say, they were all a little worried. Things were getting tense, Mission couldn't deny that, but it was as if everyone had signed their own bounty contract. Really! Malak was destroyed and the Sith fleet was scattering to the Outer Rim. Wasn't everyone supposed to be happy? She had danced the night away during the Republic victory party, but everyone else had been less than enthusiastic. Carth and Libra had danced once and then hadn't looked at one another the rest of the night.

At first she had thought that perhaps it had been the food. The Rakatan fruit had been a little rich…but chalk it up to her instincts, there was something more to it. That's why she had waited all night for the Jedi to return home. She wanted answers, why there were no more playful banters or practical jokes. They had loved to do all that stuff, it kept them sane. It kept her happy and busy. No one would dare leave Mission Vao without something to occupy herself with!

Footsteps.

"You still out here, kid?"

Mission tossed the ball into the air once more. "Yeah, Carth. I just wanted to talk with her. Seems everyone's been in a real bad mood, you know? I just wish they'd lighten up. Jeez, we kill the Dark Lord, stop the war and now everyone is acting as if we've lost it."

The pilot nodded his head and took a seat next to the Twi'lek on the rock. "Everyone's been out of sorts lately. We're all feeling a little useless now that Malak's done with. I mean sure, the Sith are still out there, but its not as if they're threatening the Core Worlds anymore."

"What are you going to do?" asked Mission. The ball continued its ascent and descent in her hands.

"Well, Dodonna's been dropping hints for a few days, but she's finally going to make my promotion official. I don't know why they make such a fuss." Carth cracked his knuckles absently. "It's not as if it's any big event. They give me a few stripes and a ship…"

"But you're the big hero," piped Mission. "You're the heartthrob of the galaxy! All the busty cantina rats and brainless women are going to be all over you. First they'll start following you and the next thing you know, they'll be giving you declarations of love. Or they'll try and pawn their kids off on you. Or at least slip you a couple of drinks and then have you father their children."

Carth turned a soft shade of red. "Er…really?"

Mission shrugged. "Probably not. You're kinda old."

Carth gave a wistful smile, remembering a life he had led ten years previous. "Well, maybe too old for you, but at least there are some women out there who appreciate a little maturity in their man."

The Twi'lek rolled her eyes. "Get over yourself, you nerf herder. All they want is one thing. They think age means 'experience' if you know what I mean and I think you do!" The ball flew up and then fell back into a gloved hand.

"And how would you know anything about that?" spluttered the startled pilot.

"I got ears, you know!" Mission flashed him a grin. "Besides, you don't live on your own without picking up a few things."

"So you - "

"Hey!" Mission held up her hands in a defensive pose, "I didn't let you sit here to lecture me. Keep it to yourself, I don't need to hear it. All I want to do is wait for Libra to return. I don't know why you're out here."

"I'm here for the same reason you are," Carth nodded his head in the direction of an approaching figure.

"Libra," confirmed Mission.

"Yeah," sighed Carth.

Mission noted his forlorn look. "Hey, Carth, why don't you talk to her first, seeing as you're all mushy on her," suggested the blue scoundrel. She tossed the ball at Carth, but the pilot wasn't paying attention and it smacked him in the forehead.

Carth scowled, "its not…mushy. Well, maybe a little. But when you experience love, Mission, I'm sure you won't find it to be as bad as you've heard. Love is…well let me just say that you're missing out on something great."

Mission stuck out her tongue. "Ug! No way. Not me!"

Carth gave a chuckle, "get out of here, you. You may not want to see this."

"I'm going, I'm going," she replied before leaving.

Carth was given a few minutes to think out his plan of attack before Libra was in appropriate speaking distance. He noted her wet clothes and disheveled hair; he could smell the sea on her. "Hey there, gorgeous," he said. He wasn't lying, the salt and the sand made it appear as if she had just walked out of the sea to greet him; his own personal mermaid come to wish him a good morning.

She turned a weak smile on him.

"Oh no," groaned the pilot, "what have I done now?"

Libra shook her head and sat down next to Carth. Her body molded comfortably next to his. "You haven't done anything," was the quiet response. "I've just been thinking."

"Does it hurt?" he quipped back. Carth didn't mind the dampness of her form.

"Get any cuter and I'll replace you as my pet gizka."

Carth pondered her statement for a moment. "Does this mean you'll tie me up?"

Libra gave a mock gasp, "Mr. Onasi! Is that _all _you think about?"

He chuckled. "Heh, well you make it very hard for me to think about anything else." Noting her stare, Carth shook his head, "come on, I was kidding. This is worth much more than that."

Libra shifted uncomfortably. She didn't really know what to say; other things were more pressing than their budding relationship. She couldn't tell him that, but at least she could give him a hint. "I have to return to Coruscant with the Jedi," the blonde woman said. She gave _her _pilot a questioning glance. "They want to retrain me. Condition me."

Carth wrapped an arm around her shoulders and tried to give her a smile. "I kinda figured. When do you leave?"

Her foot started its idle tracing in the sand again. "In an hour."

"What?" Carth's grip became harder. "So soon? When did they tell you?"

Libra smiled, "yesterday." _Doodle, doodle, doodle…_

"And you've been gone all this time?" asked Carth. "Why not come back and tell us?"

The Jedi sighed and put her head on Carth's shoulder. "Because Bastila has most likely beaten me to the punch line. You know how it is with her, she wants everyone to know that the Council will see to it that we are no longer threats." She gave a slow exhale of breath. "Life's not fair. At least, not anymore." _Then draw the circle and two diagonal lines…_

Carth nodded his assent. "It would seem that way with us. I at least thought that you would travel with the rest of the fleet. I mean…damn it. I guess I should have expected this much." Carth placed a kiss on top of his partner's forehead. "I should be happy about everything, but I'm not. The Republic's going to promote me to Fleet Admiral, did you hear about it?"

Libra shook her head in the negative. "I didn't, but I'm very proud of you. I know you'll do remarkably well with the position. You're a good man, Carth, you inspire loyalty and trust." _Two more strokes and there's the outline…_

"But I don't give it, do I?" He smiled even though she couldn't see it. "I'll get my own ship, just like I had planned out. A bit late, but Saul still got his end." He paused, sheepish. "Errr…they'll probably send me out to help destroy the rest of the Sith Fleet." He was very quiet when he spoke again, "I guess that means we won't be seeing a great deal of one another." His hand fingered a lock of damp hair. He twined it about his finger and stroked its end; she hadn't cut her hair in a while.

"If the Council has anything to do with it, we'll never see each other again." Libra moved out of the embrace and leant forward. She rested her elbows on her knees. "I'll probably never see Mission or Canderous again either. Which reminds me," she turned her head towards the ship, "who gets the _Ebon Hawk_?"_ Mustn't forget the two straight lines for the partition…_

Carth rubbed her back with one hand. "I'd give it to Mission, Zaalbar and the Mandalorian. They can come up with some handy schemes to keep themselves busy, Canderous can fly and Mission can do the negotiations. Zaalbar can handle the messier aspects of the business."

"No doubt he could." She stood. Her feet dug deeply into the sand. The drawing was now unrecognizable. "I need to go in and say my good-byes. Will you…will you see me off?" Though her face was calm, her voice broke, betraying her true feelings. _No more Star Forge. No more purpose. Goodbye Freedom._

Carth took her hands in his, "I wouldn't miss it." He placed a gentle kiss on each before letting Libra leave.

Goodbye to happiness.


	2. Section 1, Chapter 2: Letting Go

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Letting Go

"We all knew this day would come," said a bitter Revan, "I just wished it had been further away." Her fists clenched and unclenched by her sides as she held her emotions in check. Carth was still outside. "As Bastila has already told you, both she and I, plus Jolee and Juhani will be heading back to Coruscant with the Jedi. This leaves the rest of you with no destination."

"What?" exclaimed Mission. "You can't be serious. They're just gonna take you away?"

"They have to, Mission." Bastila put a hand on the young Twi'lek's shoulder. "The potential for Revan or myself to fall back to the darkside is far too great for the Order to ignore. We will return to Coruscant to be retrained with the ways of the Force. It is not such a bad fate as you may think."

Mission looked to Revan and could tell from the older woman's face that she thought it a face worse then death. "Dangerous? After all you've done!" The girl shook her head in denial. "Surely, surely there's some way they'll let you go? I mean, you've saved the galaxy…right, Libra?"

"Things aren't that simple, Mission." Revan crossed her arms and looked down to the floor. "At least, not anymore."

"Well, they're not fair, that's for sure," countered the scoundrel.

"Life's not fair, kid." Commented Canderous from his perch against the wall. His huge arms were folded against his chest and he drummed one thick finger against a bicep. "So what will you have us do, Revan? Will it be glorious death in battle or are we going to bend to the will of these meddlers?"

Revan gave a wry smile to the Mandalorian. "You'll do what I tell you to?"

Canderous looked mildly offended. "You bested my people and have shown me worthy fights. I will follow you, Revan."

The woman nodded, "very well." She took a moment to survey the ship and look at each of her companions. "Before I make any decisions, I just want to tell each of you how helpful you've been to me. I think I'd have gone mad if you hadn't shown up. Sure, at the time you annoyed the hell out of me," she winked to Jolee, "but you've all proven yourselves to be, well, to be my best friends. Thank you for sticking by me, it means much more then you could imagine."

Mission shook her head. "It was nothing! Besides, me and Big Z were looking for some new horizons anyway, ain't that right, Z?"

Zaalbar growled his response. Revan smiled at his laughter.

"I don't have to say anymore, Revan. It has been an honor to serve with you," Canderous walked over to the prodigal knight and clasped his arms with hers, warrior to warrior.

Revan beamed at him.

"What are you going to do with the droids?" asked Jolee. "You can't leave them, lass."

"Statement: to be parted from the master would result in dire consequences." HK's red eyes shone with their usual malice.

T3 gave him a sharp whistle. It was obvious that the small droid was expressing his logic that 'the master' would never allow that happen.

The Hunter-Killer droid gave a mechanical sigh. "Affirmation: You are correct. Extrapolation: No meatbags will die today."

"You do know," cautioned Bastila, "that the Jedi will not look favorably upon your possession of these droids."

Revan's eyes narrowed, "they go with me. If…well, they'll do their jobs fine, even if it is only bringing me food as I lock myself away." She had been about to say if Carth couldn't be there to protect her, then they would have to do in his stead. "Don't give me that look, Bastila, you know exactly what's going to happen once I step foot inside the Temple."

Juhani could sympathize with her leader. "You will find yourself a place of privacy to be alone with your thoughts." She nodded her head, to show her understanding. "Much like the grove on Dantooine, but as you told me, being alone with dark thoughts will only hasten your path to the darkside."

Revan remembered.

_"Hey, do you want to talk?" asked the Consular as she entered the sleeping cabin. She had monitored the Cathar's progress all day and found her quiet, introverted nature to be somewhat worrisome. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but she didn't want Juhani to suffer through dark thoughts by herself. The smuggler-Jedi had had enough bad luck to know when to lay off with the self-blame and guilt. It did nothing for one's sanity. _

Juhani shook her head. "It might be nice, but I will decline your offer. I am merely tired."

"You can't fool the biggest liar this side of Alderaan. Come on, I use that excuse myself. What's bothering you?"

The Cathar shifted uncomfortably on the bunk and patted the place beside her.

Revan elegantly took a seat next to the newest addition of her crew. She placed one of her hands on Juhani's and stroked the fur there. "Come on, we're friends. I'll look after you."

"I know you will, I've just been…thinking."

"Does it hurt?" quipped the human.

"If you're going to act that way - "

"Relax, Juhani, relax. Bad sense of humor, Carth…tells me that all the time." She gave a small blush at the mention of Carth.

Juhani chose not to comment. "I would rather be myself, sort some things out. While I thank you for your concern, I need to work this out on my own. I just have to…" she let the sentence trail off and instead tried to covey her thoughts with her eyes and aching soul.

Revan caught Juhani's eyes with her own. "Don't stay by yourself for too long, especially if you're contemplating the past. The darkside is much harder to battle when you're on your own. I'm willing to talk whenever you're ready. You know where to find me."

"I remember."

Juhani gave her a private smile. That was the nice thing with Juhani, one could trust her with anything and she would not judge. Perhaps it was because she grew up on a bigoted world and knew what it was like to look from the outside in. Or maybe she was just naturally perceptive. Whatever it was, Revan wanted to keep Juhani as close to her as possible. She had made an 'anchor' out of the woman as she had with Carth. Juhani would be seeing a great deal of Revan on Coruscant, if the Cathar decided to stay.

Bastila gave a small sigh of exasperation. "Really, Libra, it's not that bad." She looked to Jolee for support but found only an amused old man. "The Council will decide for us what is right."

"How we are to atone?" growled Revan. "Will they ever grant unconditional pardon for you or I, Bastila? You make this sound so easy, like they'll welcome you back with an open embrace."

Bastila remained serene. "They will," she replied softly. "The Jedi are merciful, we are simply a part of the flock of that have strayed. Now that we've found the path again, we can go home."

"That was a good way of putting it, lass," commented Jolee, "but be mindful."

Revan softened her gaze on the closest person she ever had to a sister. "So you say now, Bastila. So you say now. I won't follow as blindly as you and I certainly won't place my full faith with the Council again…but I'm going without a fight. If it doesn't work out…"

"It has to work out," interrupted the dark haired woman. "There is no other choice." She smiled. "I will be there too, Libra. Remember the bond."

"The bond is dying," Revan turned away.

"You can not ignore me forever, Libra," said Bastila sadly.

Revan focused her full attention elsewhere. She was not in the mood to feel at that moment. "Mission, what are you going to do once I leave?"

The Twi'lek looked to Big Z and then to Jolee. She gave Revan a grin. "Oh, you know, the usual thing."

"You mean smuggle contraband across the galaxy or smuggle people and medicine to those worlds who need it?" questioned Revan.

Mission pretended to look offended. "The second choice, of course! Gee, Libra, what do you take me for?"

"Then the Ebon Hawk is yours…" started the knight-errant.

"REALLY!" squealed the scoundrel.

"…until I return," she finished.

"Oh." Mission's face drooped.

"Which might not happen," added Bastila with an edge. "The future is uncertain."

"Hold on a minute, lass," Jolee raised a hand and motioned to Mission. "She doesn't even know how to fly."

"She doesn't have to." Canderous fixed a pointed stare on Revan. "She wants me to be the kid's personal pilot."

And I will stay with her to protect her from the Mandalorian added Zaalbar.

"You'll be doing more then that," laughed Mission. "You're both gonna by my bodyguards. I'll be the brains, Canderous the brawn and Zaalbar…you can be the soul!"

As Mission started making her plans, Revan took Canderous off to the side. There were a few things she had to discuss with him, alone.

"You ok with this set up, Mandalorian?" she asked.

Canderous shrugged, "its better then doing nothing. Perhaps I can find some purpose keeping the kid out of danger. Jagi…"

"Jagi was tough," agreed Revan. "It'll be hard to get over him. It's…its not easy. Losing a friend, a comrade."

"The time of the clans are over, Revan. The traditions, the honor, its all gone now. Things have changed, I've changed." Canderous gave a low sounding growl. It was his version of self-deprecating laughter. "I'll get over it, don't you waste your Jedi senses on me."

Revan quirked an eyebrow and gave the Mandalorian a pat on the shoulder. While not a manly clasp of arms, it gave just the same level of comfort to the clanless Mandalorian. "Don't get over it too quickly. Think about what you've gained. You're not weak, Canderous, oh far from it. It's all right to feel these things. It doesn't necessarily make you idealistic…but you're not so much on the path of deep rooted pragmatism now, are you?"

"I get the feeling you don't like being pragmatic." It was Canderous's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Eh, Jedi?"

Revan gave a little laugh. "I don't like sacrifices with no long term gain, but I also don't like wasting lives. Turning the Jedi into a militaristic order is not something I would do again." She gave a wry smile. "As you can tell, I don't like playing Dejarik Holo-Chess."

"I have noticed that you tend to leave the room whenever that's played," replied the burly man. He let their small conversation lull for a bit, letting his next words have a greater impact. "Here's my words of wisdom to you, from age, battle experience, whatever it is…"

"Advice from a Mandalorian on how to live my life?" Revan gave a crooked smile. "I've been waiting for you to tell me this since I left Taris."

Canderous only grunted in response before continuing. "Girly, don't bleed yourself to death for the sake of others. You Jedi are all about your selfless service to that wasted empire you call the Republic, which is why your numbers are being killed off in the thousands on distant worlds." He inclined his head towards Bastila. "You may think giving everything you've got to help someone else is the right way to go, but keep some for yourself. People are already vying for your attention." His voice dropped low so that the other Jedi couldn't hear him. "Don't become another person's pawn, you already know what it's like to be one."

The Jedi paused a moment to consider his words. She hadn't expected that to come out of his mouth. "You hit the nail right on the head." She gave him a smile before moving over to Mission. "Thanks for putting that in perspective. I wish you had told me this earlier."

Canderous shrugged, "you may have fallen for me then and not Republic boy waiting outside."

Revan looked surprised at the honesty of that statement. It very well could have happened.

(((((((((()::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::>

"You ready?" asked Carth. He and Revan were standing some hundred feet away from the throng of Jedi and Republic soldiers getting ready to depart back to Coruscant. The Rakatan sun was warm on his skin, but the body of the woman he was holding in his arms was as cold as ice. She shivered too.

"Yeah, I'm ready as I'll ever be." She gave him the same weak smile she had that morning. Behind her emotionless mask, she was shattering into tiny pieces. A future with the Jedi seemed bleak and a life without Carth was unbearable. Revan didn't need to turn to Spice or stimulants in her depression; she had taken to Carth instead. What a wonderful drug he had been. He sat, talked and smiled at her whilst her world shattered down into oblivion around her. At least he had done that after his own initial shock. With the exception of the odd hug, he had never touched her and Revan was fine with that.

Five months of knowing each other and he already had confessed his undying love for her. While it was suspicious, Revan doubted that he had been planted on the Endar Spire. The Jedi didn't condone love, how were they to know that these two lost souls were to find each other? Obviously they couldn't have, but Revan had become a somewhat suspicious person now. She was no longer the dangerous, risk taking rogue she had been on Taris. She was still risk taking, but no more did she jump headfirst into the pool of opportunity with only a small chance of coming out unscathed. Oh no, she had been burned by the Jedi Order and she wasn't about to let it happen again.

Carth removed his arm from about her waste and took her hand. "Time to do this, then."

Revan followed his lead and fell into step beside him. "Do you regret anything?"

"Only that there wasn't enough time," he replied softly. His hand tightened around hers. "It'll work out somehow."

"If it doesn't," Revan returned the squeeze, "I'm coming to find you. I don't care if you're in the middle of a battle in the deepest region of space. I-will-find-you."

"Heh, I wouldn't be surprised. Tell me this though," he quickly released her hand and locked arms with her; they approached the masses of people at the base of her transport, "you'll at least try and make it work. I don't…I don't want you to be left with nothing."

"Left with nothing? You're not going to…" Revan face scrunched into a pained yet puzzled expression. "That is to say – what are you saying?"

Carth sighed, "you wouldn't be happy as a soldier's wife. You look for adventure and action, staying on some world like Alderaan wouldn't give you that. Even if you don't stay with the Jedi…"

"I do have a lifetime of memories about being a smuggler. Perhaps I could take that up, I know all the routes," suggested Revan somewhat gloomily. She looked to the man at her side and found his brow furrowed in thought. "That wouldn't work, would it? It would be a scandal."

"We're already a scandal," replied Carth. He nodded to the soldiers as he passed them. They gave respectful nods back.

"But isn't that a turn on?" Libra was also giving smiles and looks of encouragement to the troops. While some put a wary gaze on her, others looked upon her with admiration.

"Oh no, I'm not even going there, beautiful."

The two walked the rest of the way in silence. Though their respective countenances were determined and encouraging, there was an air of gloom about them. The shadows along their faces were dark and their footsteps heavy. All Revan heard was the sound of her own breathing and the _crunch _of her feet on the sand. Carth saw nothing but the occasional glint of golden hair next to him and the large transport looming closer and closer.

Revan could make out the Jedi of her crew nestled among the others of the Order. Jolee was standing towards the front with Juhani at his side. Bastila was pressed between Master Vrook and Vandar at the entrance ramp. They were waiting for her. She took several deep breaths to calm herself. She was covered in goose bumps and the hair at the base of her neck stood on end. This was not going to be a good parting for her or Carth. She steeled herself, she could handle this.

"This is your stop, Gorgeous," said Carth as he halted their walk. They were ten feet away from the entrance ramp. The chatter and noise of all the activity swirled around them. Distinct voices could be heard, General Dodonna telling her officers to make ready their troops to leave, Master Vandar and Vrook discussing some matter of Jedi importance. It didn't matter to him. Nothing mattered but the woman beside him and the transport that was ready to carry her away.

Revan nodded her head and turned to face him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him in for a tight embrace. With her eyes closed, she inhaled his scent and burned the imprint of his form against hers. A hand idly played with the hair at the base of his neck while the other firmly gripped a muscular shoulder. Resolve? She was crumbling like the sandcastle she had built on the beach. All the tight layers were slipping away and she was left naked in Carth's arms.

She felt his breath against her ear as he spoke: "Don't forget me."

The tears formed and slowly spilt from her closed eyes. She buried his face in his neck, embarrassed that the highest achievers of the Jedi were witnessing her weakness. Carth's grip became unbearably tight; he kissed her neck and left it wet with his tears. "I won't forget you!" her voice was hoarse. "I won't forget you. I won't forget you." She repeated. She burned the mantra into her brain. She would NOT forget.

"Padawan," called Master Vrook, "it is time to go."

Revan stiffened. She clung to Carth desperately. Her lips moved almost inaudibly next to his ear, but Carth heard her nonetheless. "Don't let me go! Damn it, please don't let go. Don't let me fall… "

He stroked the hair that fell in gentle waves across her shoulders. ""Never, gorgeous. I'll never let you go."

"I don't want to do this," Revan whispered. "I don't…no strength."

Carth pulled his body back and cupped her face in his hands. "You don't have to. I'll wait, Libra, and I'll follow you." He brought his forehead to hers.

"We could escape," she whispered between stifled sobs, "get the Ebon Hawk and fly to some world where they'll never find us. All of us, the crew, Dustil…we could do it! It would work. We could make it work."

Her eyes were shining with a false hope that Carth knew was fading fast. "We could," he responded on a more somber note.

They could make no decisions on their own.

"Commander Onasi!"

"Padawan Revan!"

"No, no, no…make it go away, Carth. Make them leave us alone!" Revan closed her eyes against the world. "Tell them its not true, I'm not who they think."

Carth glared at the Republic officer over Revan's shoulder. "You know what you have to do," he said simply. He held her close.

"I don't want to do it," the Jedi whispered.

"Then don't," cooed Carth. Gently he stroked her back and kissed the skin of her hairline. He knew what he had to do and again he was torn between duty and love. He had caused enough heartache for his family on Telos, what was to say that the future would be any different. Why had he even bothered in the first place? Couldn't the galaxy just leave him well enough alone? Damn it, he was not going to play the tragic hero again!

He was startled out of his inner contempt by the opening of Revan's red rimmed eyes. She didn't look at him; instead she turned her head to look at some patch of sand at Bastila's feet. Carth's heart splintered into a thousand bits. How quickly she had done it, how quickly she had made her choice despite all her earlier protests.

"This isn't goodbye, is it?" Her face was pained as she slipped out of his embrace. She did, however, grasp his hands in hers. She looked almost…guilty.

"Its whatever you want it to be." Carth shifted uncomfortably beneath the gazes turned their way, "I would hope that it was just the beginning."

Revan turned to look at him then, her eyes wide, glistening with tears and a radiant, hopeful smile on her face "The beginning of the end." The salty droplets streamed down her face and she brushed past him to walk up the transport ramp. The Jedi followed. It was a moment that looked as though it could have come from a five-star holovid.

Carth was left standing among the clamor of soldiers and Jedi making ready to leave. People brushed past him and offered him congratulations and sympathies. He heard none of them.


	3. Section 1, Chapter 3: Trust

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Trust

The Jedi Council had never been known for its relative friendliness. All those who came back from meetings with the Council had only horror stories to tell of the interrogations that they had suffered at the hands of the Jedi Masters. They were unnerved and perturbed by their ability to read their innermost thoughts and when information was not forthcoming…other methods could be used. With this in mind, Revan was a bit reluctant to enter the Council Chamber and stand for questioning. In fact, she was quite reluctant to even be in the same building with them due to certain actions they had committed in the past.

Sure the Council had been rearranged at some point or another, but Revan couldn't help but feel uneasy. They had fabricated an entire existence for her (which made things damn confusing as to who she really was) and then used her to do their dirty work. Revan _hated _being used despite the fact that she was three people: pre-Revan, Libra and post-Revan. All three were not used to being puppets. Pre-Revan and Libra already knew this; post-Revan had been discovering all manners of things about herself after the incident on the Leviathan. As she was, Revan was sure that the Council had made no changes to her personality, only erased the memories of darkness from her mind and therefore freeing of her of the darkside's taint.

Or was she?

Well, if she was, she wouldn't have to be standing in a room full of self-righteous bigots, that's for sure. She already knew what was coming her way once she set foot into their chamber:

"Padawan, blah blah blah darkside blah blah Star Forge blah blah blah."

"That's right, Master Head-Up-My-Choobies, I was very bad."

"Blah blah blah Malak blah blah death blah blah blah blah evil blah galaxy."

"The galaxy is evil you say, Master Hypocrite? Why I quite agree…"

"Blah blah - "

"No, let me guess…blah blah evil blah blah blah? Don't look so surprised, I'm a quick study…or didn't you know that? Blah blah?"

"Revan, blah blah bad person blah blah atonement blah blah pardon blah blah punishment blah blah Bastila."

"You want to punish Bastila? Go ahead, good Masters, and while you're at it, why don't you shove your lightsabers right up your - "

Revan was interrupted from her thoughts by a timid Mon Calamari. "Padawan," interrupted the Council aide, "they will see you now."

Revan forced a smile and followed the Mon Calamari into the spartan, circular room. While it had some elegance to it, there was nothing within it that gave the onlooker an impression that this was a happy, welcoming place. The colors, while muted, seemed harsh and coarse in comparison to the softer architecture of the lower hallways. There were many windows to allow in light, but other then the chairs positioned in a semi circle, there weren't any objects of interest to look at. It was probably intentional on the part of the Masters. If focus could not be kept on the issue at hand, then you didn't deserve to be there.

The Council itself was the most peculiar thing about the chamber. Twelve different individuals of varying backgrounds sitting in an intimidating circle about the speaker. Oh, and look, it was her two favorite individuals sitting among them: Masters Vrook and Vandar. She sketched a low bow and folded her hands behind her back. She wrung them several times to try and relieve some of her tension. She gave surreptitious glances to the hands of each member with the hope that perhaps one had her lightsabers. They had better give them back to her – she had some pretty damn powerful crystals stored within them. Pretty damn powerful and EXPENSIVE crystals, to say the least. If anything had happened to them -

"It has been a long time, Padawan Revan," said a red Twi'lek female. She was seated at the center of the semi circle, dressed in robes of warm peach. Her boots tapped a little rhythm on the floor. She had obviously not been a Jedi her entire life. "It warms my heart to see you still alive and well. We had feared the worst when we heard the Star Forge had exploded."

Revan managed a polite smile. "I'm sorry, but I don't know your name." Diplomatic instincts (with a smuggler's flair) started to kick in – how she loved her old habits. "We must have been acquainted before the mind wipe. Am I right?" She raised an eyebrow and gave a half smile. She looked perfectly innocent and meek and hoped that her irritation could not be felt through the Force.

"My name is not important, Padawan," replied the Master. She peered at her over the tips of slim, red fingers.

_Oh but it is. _Thought Revan. _Were you in on it too? To act so cordially as if you had done nothing wrong, as if you hadn't already destroyed my life. Perhaps you inspired me to walk my dark path. Perhaps you're all to blame. If I could live my life over then I'd at least have one more chance to -_

"Padawan?"

Revan jolted back to reality. "My apologies, Master. I am…tired. I just arrived. What was it you said?" _You drag me from my transport, with no chance to clean myself up or the time to take a nap and you have the nerve to question me? That's what you get for being rude…_

"I had asked if you had anything to share with the Council about your mission," reiterated the Twi'lek. The calm, easy gaze remained. She knew more then she was letting on. She was going to _do _something.

"I had asked if you had anything to share with the Council about your mission," reiterated the Twi'lek. The calm, easy gaze remained. She knew more then she was letting on. She was going to something. 

"What do you want to know?" asked the Consular. She kept a wary eye on the Twi'lek before scanning the other Masters' faces. What had they planned for her in advance?

"Things of importance," stated the Twi'lek simply.

Revan gave an amused grin. "Things of importance? Well," she gave a little laugh and wrung her hands again. "Malak admitted that the lightside was stronger than the darkside before he died. Other then that," she shrugged, "I don't know what else I can tell you."

"I told you she would not cooperate," commented a male Zabrak.

"Yes, I had feared as much," responded another.

"Cooperate?" Revan raised an eyebrow and put some distance between herself and the Council. "I am cooperating, ask me and I will tell you." _Don't try anything funny, Masters. You may not like the consequences. _

The Council paid no attention to her. They didn't want her answers; they wanted an excuse to do whatever it was they had planned.

"We will have to resort to our back up plan," suggested a Ryn seated on the far left of the Council.

"Are you sure that is wise, Master Je'roth?" The Twi'lek stole a glance at Vrook. Was she seeking his approval?

Revan took another step back, incredibly leery of the situation going on around her. This back up plan did not sound like one she wanted to be involved with. Her eyes scanned the Council suspiciously, the Code be damned, where did the Code say that it was right for them to interrogate her in such a fashion?

"The Code," said an Iktotchi master, "are the tenets of our order. There is no ignorance, there is knowledge. We are ignorant and require knowledge. Your knowledge," he sensed her trepidation, " there is no need to be alarmed or difficult."

The Consular had the distinct feeling that she was once again damned. She had first felt it after agreeing to find Gadon's prototype accelerator and then again when she had spoken the Sith Code on Korriban. How was she to know that they had a telepathic Master sitting in and viewing her thoughts. Damn it, they didn't need the Force, he could read her like a book and she knew he knew it.

"So ask me your questions and get your knowledge." Revan placed a hand on her hip and let the other dangle at her side. The Jedi masters were still conversing serenely with one another about the back up plan.

"You know what happened last time we did that," commented a Jedi wearing a traditional Alderaanian robe.

"Yes, but it is the only _real _way we'll know for sure. Like before, she could just as easily evade our answers and project a false aura. It is becoming something of a habit with the younger students." The Ryn's musical intonation hummed about the room as he spoke.

"I wonder where such teaching comes from? There is no data available in the archives about this, is there?" asked a Trandoshan master. (Revan was surprised to see one of them actually sitting on the Council. They did not strike her as Jedi material with their reputation for bounty hunting.)

"It is strange, but not unexpected," whistled the Khil Master.

"More importantly," pressed the Zabrak, "how are we going to break through the walls?"

Revan's back hit the door – she couldn't get any further away. "You are not breaking through _anything_!" She raised a hand in warning and fixed them all with her most intimidating stare. What was it with these people?

The Twi'lek stood with a reluctant sigh. "I will do this. Master Quelnath, if you would be so kind?"

The Iktotchi stood, his head swaying side to side from the weight of his horns. The two Masters made their way closer to Revan. The Twi'lek placed one of her hands in the Iktotchi's and raised the other, palm facing towards Revan. "Relax, Padawan. Relax." Ripples of energy flowed from her.

Revan shook her head to clear away the feelings of drowsiness coming over her. She tried to call upon the Force, but it was hidden from her. She tried to bring her arms in front of her to fend off the Jedi, but grunted in frustration when they drooped to her sides unable to move. "What…are…you…doing…to…me…" she gasped. The more she tried to call upon the Force and fight against the Jedi's approach, the heavier she felt. Her knees buckled beneath her and she fell forward to the ground.

"This won't hurt," came the soothing voice of the Twi'lek Jedi.

And then the world went black.

(((((((((()::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::>

_"I'm all ears, beautiful," Carth winked at her, a welcoming change from his earlier callous exterior. _

Libra couldn't help but allow herself a saucy grin and comment. It wasn't every day that Carth Onasi fell into a woman's lap! "I like the sound of that."

"Which, the fact that I'm all ears or the beautiful part?" He leant his body against a door jam. The two strands of hair that he had managed to contain earlier that morning found their way free.

"The beautiful part. Keep calling me that." No man had ever really called her beautiful before, unless he wanted something from her. Carth appeared to be different. She enjoyed the attention.

Carth raised an eyebrow. "I might consider it, but what are you going to call me in exchange?"

It was a challenge.

Libra loved challenges. "How about…" she paused for dramatic effect. "Sexist worm." She stuck her tongue out at him and sauntered away, swinging her hips in a come hither motion.

Expectedly, Carth followed. "Is that it? Come on," he gripped her arm and turned her around, "you can do better then that."

"Hairless Wookie!" she teased, pushing the two errant tendrils off his forehead.

"Ouch. Now that is better. I bet gorgeous doesn't sound so bad in comparison, does it?" Carth was just asking for a kiss with his lips pursed like that.

But Libra couldn't kiss him…

("I think we've seen enough, Master Relanai. If you could continue on, please.")

("Of course, Master Je'roth.")

_"Just take the serum to Zax at the bounty office," whispered Gurney as Libra and Carth left the medical facility. "You won't regret it, trust me." _

Libra gave him a withering look. "I'd rather give it to Zelka. He'll use it to help people, not make money."

"Just think about the offer," Gurney pressed, his eyes sweeping to Libra's front again.

"Pray to whatever gods you worship that we don't meet outside of this facility," hissed Libra. "You make sick..."

("Shall I move it forward, Masters?")

("Not too far forward…")

("Ermm…")

_"And the Wookies let you do this?!" exclaimed the Jedi. _

"We have made a deal with their chieftain," explained the Czerka representative.

"Who is it?" Libra asked.

"I don't know if I should say…"

Libra waved her hand behind her back. "You want to tell me who is selling the Wookies into slavery."

The Ithorian gave a small gurgle before responding. "His name is Chuundar."

Zalbaar gave a snarl. 'That is not a name I wanted to hear.'

"Why is that, Zalbaar?" inquired Carth.

'I do not wish to talk about it,' explained the Wookie.

"This slaving is wrong," commented Libra. "I can't let it continue."

The Czerka rep shook his head. "That is not up to you, human. We have deals and trading rights. We are quite authorized to do this and it would be beyond your means to stop us."

"Nothing is beyond my means." Libra turned a serious, imposing stare on the alien. " This will_ end..."_

("Very good, Relanai. If you would be so kind?")

_"Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion I gain strength. Through strength I gain victory. Through victory, my chains are broken. The Force shall free me," Libra recited. Her dark colored garb contrasted with the paleness of her skin and hair. She didn't belong there. _

"Good. You have impressed me. Go now, and earn more prestige," Uthar returned to a meditative position on the floor.

Libra returned to her bunk and gathered Carth and Juhani. "I think I know where I can find proof for…for Dustil." She made a quick glance to Carth, but he showed no emotion…

("Speed this forward, young one.")

("As you command, Master.")

_Libra handed Carth the data pad who in turn handed it to his son. She looked expectantly at the young man. His face became pained and the data pad crashed to the floor. _

"No, this says they…they…" the young man took a seat on his bed to steady himself.

"Killed her because she was hindering your progress!" finished Carth. "Superiority at all costs, there's your evil, Dustil. Or can you live with that?"

"No, no I can't. I guess you're right." He looked at his father. "I have to stay father. I have friends here, at the academy. I have to warn them…"

Carth grimaced at the fact that his son would not return with him. "There's no way I can convince you to leave? I suppose you won't do anything half-way…sounds familiar."

"Yeah," Dustil nodded. "It does."

"I'm proud of you son. You're not clinging onto a lie even after discovering it for what it is," Carth hesitantly reached out his arm to pat Dustil on the back.

"Maybe after this is all over, we can…talk. I'll go back to Telos once this is finished." Dustil gave his dad a slow smile.

Carth's joy expanded three times over. "Well, I'd like that."

"Goodbye, father."

"Goodbye, son."

_Libra gave a sigh of relief as Dustil's form walked away. She turned to Carth. "Do you think you'll see him again…" _

("Are you going some where with this, Relanai?")

("I am.")

("Then make your points.")

("This can not be rushed or else you risk damage to her mind. You suggested this, may I respectfully add.")

_"Don't torture him anymore!" cried Libra, desperate to end Carth's screaming. The shock on her face became horror as she watched the electricity flow through his body. It broke her heart. _

Saul gave an evil smile "Now... tell me your mission. How were the Jedi planning on using you to stop Lord Malak and our Sith armada?"

Libra snarled at the Admiral. "I refuse to answer this!" If she could just use the Force, she'd rip Saul's beating heart out of his chest.

"Perhaps you need a reminder of the consequences of refusing to cooperate?" Saul brought the torture field back to activation.

Carth's wail split Libra's soul in two. She closed her eyes and turned her head away. If she watched it…she would break. She'd tell Karath everything he'd want to know just to be able to hold him in her arms and stop the pain. Carth was not an expendable member of her crew; she wouldn't see him killed. Then again, she wasn't about to betray the Republic, and that would hurt Carth more than any physical pain could.

"Listen, can you not hear him suffering? You can spare him further pain by simply answering my questions. Now, I will ask again - on what mission did the Jedi Council send you?

"Get your answers elsewhere, meatbag!" Spat the smuggler.

Saul feigned reluctance and gave a sigh. "Perhaps another lesson is in order?"

Up went the torture field. Libra blocked out Carth. She tried to draw on the link form Bastila to give her strength, but it felt cold and alien to her mind. She let it drop and waited for Carth's pleading to quiet down.

"Tell me, how did you find out about the Star Forge?" Karath stopped the torture field and Carth crumpled against the front of his cell. He didn't look at her.

"We found Malak's diary!" she hissed.

Saul's hand fingered the torture button lovingly. "A diary? This is not the time for jokes! I will only ask you one more time: How did you find out about the Star Forge?"

Libra's resolve held firm. "You are a sick, evil man, Saul Karath."

The Sith Admiral just gave sigh of resignation and set all the torture fields on 'high.' "I see I am wasting my time here. When Malak arrives you will learn my interrogation techniques are considered merciful among the Sith. I will leave you here in your cell with a small taste of the horrors you will suffer when Lord Malak arrives." He gave a signal to the two Sith Guards standing nearby.

The pain Libra felt was excruciating. It was beyond that; it transcended anything she'd ever felt before in her life. How did he do it, how could Carth stand that much? Her nerves screamed as the volts of electricity passed through her body. It was so unbearable she couldn't even cry out, she just shook and rattled the sides of her tube. Why wouldn't it stop! Why did he leave? She'd tell him everything he wanted to know, just to make the pain stop.

Her rational mind battled for control over her baser instincts; self-preservation was not an option in this case. Carth had suffered worse than her…Carth was…she blacked out.

("I see what you are trying to accomplish, Relanai, but we are running out of time!")

("Just a little longer, Master Quelnath. There are only a few more things they have to see.")

_"No, no. NO! NO! Lies. It's all…lies. LIES LIES LIES!" It couldn't be true, she hadn't really been…no. no. Denial. But it must be true, the others…the others turned away from her. They couldn't look upon the person who had brought them so much pain and despair. She had killed their families, their dreams. "STOP IT!" It was Bastila's fault…not her fault… _

"You knew it all along, didn't you, Revan?"

"I'm not Revan," another step back. "I'm not Revan." The lightsabers fell from her hands as she continued her retreat to the door. "I'm not Revan." Her eyes were wide as she stared at Malak. She looked through him and saw nothing but her own darkness. The memories were coming back. "I'M NOT REVAN!" and then she shattered with a heartbreaking wail of despair.

She just fell. Her legs crumpled under the strain of the truth. She clawed at the door to get out, banging her fist and head against it. Carth recoiled at the sounds of skin on metal. "I'm not her! I'm not her…" she whispered. She rocked back and forth against the cool steel. She wanted to disappear. A ghost of a caress on her mind made her turn towards Bastila. Revan's voice was hollow as she asked for the answers to the questions that she had so longed to find. Bastila could not take the intensity of her eyes and relinquished her hold on the bond. She turned away.

"You are nothing now, Revan, but a pathetic fool."

She crumpled face first to the floor sobbing. Her body shook with the violence of her grief. Revan could have been overreacting, but the screaming in her head was driving her to madness and back. Her hands clutched her skull and she shrieked out curses and apologies to people long since dead. She wanted to be consumed by the emptiness within her soul. The sound of a footstep made her head shoot up and she pinned Carth to the ground with her gaze.

The look of anguish on Carth's face was the final straw. She gave a strangled order for him to kill her. She cried for him to take his last revenge and end all the pain in both their hearts. He dropped his own blasters in shock and retreated from the fury of her words.

Bastila moved to recite the code, thinking it would calm her down, but Revan only recoiled away... There had been no accusation, no calm acceptance; she immediately jumped headfirst into the darkness of her emotion. It was a dangerous reaction. Her hands clenched and unclenched as she tried to master herself. She anchored herself to Carth, drawing on her bond with Bastila and the new one with Carth to give her strength.

"Cry, Revan. Cry for the darkness you succumbed to and all the deaths you created. You were glorious. We were glorious. The thrill of the taint still resides within you. What did these Jedi do but cause you such pain? If not for them, there would be no remorse." Malak waved his hand and her crewmembers were encased in a stasis field. "You would still be…" He stopped. Malak had to stop as the air was forcibly squeezed from his lungs.

Slowly Revan stood, calling on the Force to steady her aching body and keep Malak prone long enough so that she could get her bearings. Unbridled anger and fury was etched on her face. There was some solace in darkness for her. She took two steps forward and her lightsabers came flying back to her hands. They ignited and she charged…

("Very interesting…")

("Carry on, if you please.")

("Very well…")

"I love you," said Carth, "and I can't wait until all of this is over with." He beamed at her, the sun glinting off his teeth. That was the biggest smile she had seen him give and she was the cause of it! .

Libra wrapped her arms about his neck and he swung her around. "I love you too!"

They both laughed gaily as they twirled about the sand.

"Sheesh. Get a room, will you?" interrupted Mission.

The spinning stopped and both Jedi and pilot blushed.

'That two spirits have found each other amidst such turmoil is a good omen, Mission. Does it not please you to see?' reprimanded Zalbaar.

"Oh, sure. Even a good omen can get itself a room, though, don't ya think?" grumbled the Twi'lek.

"You two kids should take love where you find it," added Jolee. "Bah, forget what happens after the mission. You go find some nice quiet planet and make babies. Leave the excitement for someone else."

Libra blushed furiously beside Carth. She kept her eyes focused on the hot sand beneath her boots. Carth's hand was warm in hers and he squeezed her fingers gently. Thanks to Jolee she would never be able to look him in the eyes again….

("I think there is something of more importance that has to be shown.")

("I was just getting to that.")

_Malak lay dying on the deck of the Star Forge. His breath came in ragged gasps through the mouthpiece. Libra knelt over him, cradling his head as he died in her arms. _

"I shouldn't have doubted you," he gasped. "Even at the end, where I was so blind…you knew the outcome." He clutched her hand in his. "The Darkside was supposed to bring us power. You brought me down this path…"

Libra's eyes released a few tears. "But you…you continued down it. I will take some of the blame, but not all of it."

"You are right," he gave a weak cough, "as you always were. I followed you, Revan, to greatness and glory and we fell together. But the darkness was not enough."

"The darkside is never enough," whispered the woman.

"No, but there is no turning back from here, Revan. The lightside will never take me now. Not after so much…" he gave another cough, "has been lost."

"There is always hope, Malak. You can redeem yourself before death," Libra gripped his hands tightly. "Renounce the darkside." Her tears fell more readily. "Leave it go, my friend"

The Star Forge shuddered around them. The support beams above began collapsing. The station was coming down around them, but Libra was reluctant to let her friend go so easily.

Malak's eyes dimmed….

("That is all, Masters.")

("Thank you, Relanai. What you did was most helpful. We shall consider what you have shown us while we make our decision.")


	4. Section 1, Chapter 4: Judgement

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Judgement

Masters Quelnath and Relanai retreated from Revan's mind slowly, again playing out the images in their own minds before releasing their hold on the woman. Once contact was lost between the Masters and the Padawan, Revan's prone body went limp. Due to the shock of the intrusion, her body's defense system took the time to sort out any last traces of the Jedi Masters. Her body gave a few violent spasms before her nervous system gained control and limited the movement to a few jerks and shakes of her head and legs.

Master Vandar gave a disapproving shake of his head. "I do not condone this act. Revan I trust and with this breach of conduct, it is broken between us." He held each of the Council's eyes with his own to make his point. "In order for the past to be forgiven we must both have confidence in the other."

"There was no way to be sure," said Vrook. He looked tired. He looked old. It might have been the stress of fighting Malak, but perhaps it was just that his time was coming to an end.

"Other ways can be found," countered the small Master with a sad smile. "Hopefully you have all the information you need to make your decision. I have already made my mine."

"As have I," said Relanai, the red Twi'lek, quietly. She moved back to her Council seat, her eyes respectively averted from the woman lying prone on the floor. Relanai regretted what happened. She had known Revan for a long time and such an act on her part would easily label her as an enemy in Revan's eyes. The young woman would feel as though the elder Twi'lek had betrayed her. She would be mistaken though, as Relanai had acted in Revan's best interests. If it had been another master conducting the scan, they might have uncovered memories that would have reflected badly on her behalf. At least with the Twi'lek in her mind, she could trust that Relanai would find only the most useful thoughts.

The older Jedi marveled at how just one person could alter an entire chain of events…and it wasn't Revan that she was referring to, either.

Revan caught the Masters' attention by giving a couple more quick spasms and a few gasps for air. The Iktotchi, Quelnath, leant down and placed his hands on her forehead. "Sleep," he commanded. Her body responded to the order and the twitching subsided. Her eyes fluttered behind her lids, her mind deep in a restless sleep. "She will not awaken for some time." He remained kneeling next to her for a moment longer to make sure that all was well before returning to his position.

"That is good." The Ryn Master gestured that all standing should once again be seated. "We have much to discuss and if she were to awaken - "

"Discussion will begin after I have made my announcement," interrupted Vandar. The Council murmured in surprise as they watched one of the leaders of their Order shuffle his way from his seat and stand at the center of the chamber. His small eyes closed as he brought the Force under his command. Vandar was old and his body failing, but the strength of the Force that flowed through him kept him alive. "In light of recent actions," he began, "I am relinquishing my seat as a member of this council. There is much work I can do, but it must be done elsewhere." He let his statement hang for a moment before continuing. "Consider this my own punishment for not intervening when the danger was at its greatest."

Master Vrook gripped his hands together tightly. "Are you serious? Have you even thought of a replacement? This unbalances a great many things!" How could Vandar even think of giving up his seat? There was so much he could do and accomplish. His guidance was valuable and he looked at issues from viewpoints the other members had not dared considered. No doubt he was their wisest and most valuable asset. Without him, things would become very different.

"I have thought about it," replied Vandar, "and while I am sad to go, I feel that this new member will serve the Jedi equally well in my stead." His gnarly fingers quivered. Age had struck the Council, though they did not admit it. Such a thing would be dangerous.

"You don't mean…" said a Mon Calamari, "…Revan?"

Vandar shook his head. "No, Revan will not sit on the Council for some time, if at all she should choose to remain with the Jedi." His little body shrugged. "I will not doubt that she will give considerable thought to our actions today. It will influence her greatly, I fear."

"Who will it be?" inquired Master Je'roth while brushing the fur on his hands idly. Even though this was a very serious and important matter, he couldn't help but find it terribly boring. The look into Revan's head had been entertaining and for a being with his personality, it was also very fulfilling. If it hadn't been for the damnable Alderaanian trying to speed things up, a greater scope of her thoughts might have been touched upon. As it was, the Ryn was curious by nature and desensitized to emotions such as love and sadness. They were an unfortunate weakness that many Jedi had to deal with. He was lucky. He lived his life within the confines of the order and was content. Such notions of privacy were alien to him.

Vandar smiled. "You have probably already been acquainted with him. He did stand trial here a number of years ago."

Enter one very angry Jolee Bindo.

"What did you do?" he exclaimed at the sight of the Jedi lying on the floor. "What have you old fools down now?"

"This," questioned Vrook, "is to be your replacement?" He eyed the man with a muted discontent. "After his chosen exile for so long?" This was the last in a very long list of revelations revealed to him today.

"I have given him the title of Jedi Master," explained Vandar, "as only a senior member of the Council can. He will take my place and we will be better as a whole because of it. Jolee," he pointed to his vacant seat, "once this has been removed, that will be your place in the Council. Agree you?"

"Yeah, yeah. Dig up old fossils like me to make decisions, humph," he muttered in response. He was not exactly happy to be spending the next decade of his life within the company of these one-dimensional individuals. Give him the silence of Kashyyyk any day to the blathering of these old coots.

The Mon Calamari aide was quick in returning with a chair for the new master. She entered and exited quickly. Most likely she was intimidated by the presence of such powerful individuals.

"I say again, what did you do to her?" said a calmer but equally perturbed Jolee. He placed his hands on his hips and eyed the rest of the group suspiciously. There would be some definite changes while he was around. Quick changes too, if he had anything to say about the matter.

"She received a mind scan," clarified Relanai. Her elegant hands were pressed flat to her thighs. The fingers drummed a little tune. "We had to make sure that her previous actions have not paved her another road to the Darkside. The Republic and the Jedi can not afford another war."

"Stuff and nonsense," Jolee refused to move to his chair and instead squatted down next to his friend. "If anything, you've pushed her down that road already. Have yourselves to blame when the galaxy comes crashing down around your ears!" He could just imagine Revan's taunting answer:

'Don't you know the road to the Darkside is paved with good intentions?' She would quirk her eyebrow then and pull a face. She was always doing things like that to make the others smile.

His hand did a quick feel of her forehead. He sensed her mind to be quiet. There would be hell to pay when she woke up, however. "She's sleeping?"

"Her body was feeling the after shocks of the scan," put forth Quelnath. "It distressed her."

Jolee gave a tisk of disapproval. He heard Master Vandar chuckle beside him. "A violent response to a mind scan only happens if it's against the person's will. You have that entire Jedi Library, don't you ever use it?" He shook his head, "I guess not. You haven't changed in over sixty years."

"We were about to make our decision on whether or not we are to return Revan to Jedi Knight status." Vrook steered the conversation away from a potentially lethal topic. "Because Vandar has named you his successor, you will also have your say." As much as Vrook disapproved of it, he had to let him speak.

The Kashyyyk recluse stood firm. Before his arguments could be voiced, he needed to learn a few things. "What did you learn from her mind?" If he was going to be able to defend her right to be a Knight, he had to know exactly what he had to say in order to counter their opinions.

Relanai gave him a hopeful smile, "that she has maintained a consistent standard for good deeds. There is, however, the small matter of the," she looked at Vrook and then back at Jolee, "pilot."

"His name's Carth Onasi and he's a decorated war hero many times over," supplied Jolee. "The Republic trusts him. Bah, what does this have to do with the Republic…its all about the shell lying on the floor at my feet." He gave a little nudge with his boot to Revan's side.

Je'roth sighed at the antics of the old man. He knew that quite a few of the masters felt the same as he did. "I can not, in good counsel, allow Revan to be returned to Knight status so long as he is around. He invokes dangerous emotions within her." He gave an impassive stare to Jolee.

"Love?" Jolee put a hand to his head in frustration. "If anything, that 'dangerous emotion' saved her from slipping more than once." He caught the Ryn's superior gaze. "Don't you look at me like that, sonny. You've never traveled the galaxy in your life, let alone felt an emotion. So you take that look off your face and let an old man have his say!"

The Ryn was unfazed.

"Please continue, Master Bindo," prompted the Khil.

"All I'm saying," continued Jolee, "is that it was not the Order that kept Revan stable. Hah, I'm almost positive that if it was just the Order she was going back to, Revan might not have forsaken the Darkside. With everything that's been done in the past against her, I was amazed she didn't turn sooner!"

"You're saying this Onasi man is the reason she didn't turn?" questioned Relanai. She had some interesting experiences of her own concerning love. This Carth really must be something remarkable if he kept a wild thing like Revan on course. He was handsome too, but not the type of man that Relanai could see herself falling for. Give her a Corellian space pirate any day…

"I think its one of the reasons, yes," answered Jolee. "Love makes people do strange things."

"Therefore love is dangerous," repeated Je'roth.

Jolee scowled. "Don't knock it 'till you've tried, fuzzball."

Now _that _made the Ryn cringe.

"Didn't you ever stop to think," said Jolee in all seriousness, "that perhaps it was the will of the Force for those two to meet?"

"What do you mean?" asked the Mon Calamari.

"Think about," urged Jolee. "Two people survive the crash from the Endar Spire: this Libra girl and pilot Onasi. Onasi's got his demons a plenty and Libra's definitely one fine lass. They get to know each other and are forced into a lifestyle where they have to depend on one another." He stared pointedly at Je'roth. "Without this strange woman, he might never have done what he had to and without him, she might not have remained as pure as we like to think."

"The Force moves in mysterious ways," conceded Vandar with a gleam in his gray-green eyes. Some things really were inevitable. It had not been hard on Dantooine to see the Force weaving its pattern around the two and yet they were blissfully unaware of what it all meant. The will of the Force could not be denied.

"Did you know?" asked the Alderaanian Jedi.

Vandar shook his head. "The future is always clouded."

The Alderaanian smiled. "So long as it does not interfere with her work as a Jedi, I see no reason to fear this relationship." He was a pragmatist; if Revan could be out there doing the work of the Jedi, what were they waiting for?

"It will not only end there," explained Je'roth with distaste. "They will want to be married, have children. These things tend to escalate. " How anyone could want to open themselves up to such temptation was beyond him.

"And will it be so bad if a child of Revan and Onasi should be a wielder of the Force? What then? Should this not swell our numbers for the greater good?" retorted the Alderaanian.

"Come now, Morio, that research has ever been uncertain. Strong emotional bonds, especially a parental bond, would do the child no good. Revan would certainly seek to train the child herself. This of course would be fraught with foolishness," defended the Zabrak. Had everyone gone to madness around him? Surely they wouldn't let a Jedi that was so frivolous with her emotions run free about the galaxy? If they did, they were just asking for a repeat of the past.

"You speak as if she even wants a child!" barked Jolee. He gave them all an impatient wave of his hand. "Perhaps if you had learnt your lessons as Padawans better, you'd have realized that patience is a large part of being a Jedi. You couldn't wait to let her get adjusted, oh no; you immediately drag her off the transport and stand her for questioning. Bah, I can see now why she kept trying to take my head off when ever you were mentioned in a conversation. Do you know what it's like to have a crazed woman after your head if the words 'Jedi Order' and 'mentor' are spoken in the same sentence?" His foot stamped on the ground for effect.

"You forget your place…" uttered Vrook.

Jolee shook his head, ready to take a stand. "No, I'm in my place and I'm ordering the aide to bring Revan back to her quarters to rest. Then you and I will have a nice long discussion about the changes that are going to be made around here. In fact, why don't we start while we're waiting for her to come back?" He strode to his seat and found it to be quite comfortable. He gave a cough to clear his throat; it was time to get down to business. "Now about this junk you insist be placed in the starships' food dispensers…"


	5. Section 1, Chapter 5A: Madness A

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Madness A

She had come to full consciousness six hours earlier, but she hadn't moved from the spot she had awoken from. The Mon Calamari had been kind enough to deposit Revan on her bed for comfort though it did little in the long run. Revan felt hollow and violated. Once again, the Jedi Council had entered her mind without permission. Ironically, she had been very willing to forgive them the first time around, they did need the information in her head…but now they had overstepped their bounds. Revan would not so easily accept or forget their actions against her.

The grudge might seem contrived to others, but they went _into_ her head! They read her mind and _dissected_ it while she was put to sleep _against_ her will! Was that fair? Was that the Jedi sense of justice? Revan snarled and slammed a fist on the bed beside her.

"Damn you all!" she yelled.

Her voice echoed off the smooth curve of the ceiling. Her quarters within the Jedi Temple were especially soothing, with shades of peach and cream and a very soft, flowing architectural style. The Jedi Council must have been mocking her, deliberately trying to push her into a slow insanity. To think, it would only take one command from her mind and all the baubles and trinkets on the shelves could come flying off and smash on the ground. She could break up the order and peace…but knowing the Jedi, the objects were most likely unbreakable. In any event, she was not about to try and destroy the room. She had to live in it after all.

That did not mean to say that Revan would stop harboring her grudge against the masters. Far from it. She no longer wanted to be a Jedi if anyone could just give the order and thumb through her personal thoughts. It was the strictest violation of her privacy: Revan had some not-so-innocent thoughts in her head. Many were harmless, but a good deal of them involved what she was going to do to Carth once she got the chance. She could just imagine Master Vrook's look of horror at coming across _those_!

"You probably learnt a thing or two, didn't you, you stodgy, old Bastard?" Revan gave a cruel smile. "I'm quite creative, wouldn't you agree? I bet you didn't know that it was even anatomically possible to do that!" She sketched a picture in the air with her hand. "It's not really my fault. I'm the victim of an overactive imagination. There isn't a lot to do traveling through hyperspace and I have to keep myself busy…or else I'm a world of trouble." Her voice became a whisper, "I waste away of boredom if confined for too long."

No response from the walls was forthcoming. She half expected the Jedi to pop out of them at any minute. There must have been some sort of security device somewhere. Revan's head still hurt from her the desecration, but she was thankful that the Force was at least still under her command. After an initial scan from her prone position, she came to the conclusion that the Jedi had hidden their devices with a Force cloak and that she was, in fact, being watched at that moment. The Jedi would find no entertainment from watching her. Paranoia had never suited her well, so Revan settled for sleep instead.

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Many Apprentices thought that once they become Padawans their traditional Temple schooling would come to an end. Much to their chagrin, this was not the case. Collectively, a group of about forty Jedi had a rotational schedule to teach the Padawans a continual session of more advanced courses; supplemented with homework and guest speakers. Padawans on missions were excused from class, but those that were on Coruscant for longer periods of time were required to attend. It was the instructors' hopes to broaden the horizons of their students and inspire a love of things that they had not yet experienced.

Revan's own Jedi Masterwas a political maven... if he was indeed her 'Master' at all. Revan had too many teachers in her life. Often she had accompanied him to the other Core Worlds, but most of their time was spent on Coruscant negotiating treaties and helping the Senate. An Alderaanian by birth, he knew every trick about diplomacy there was from prolonged exposure and bequeathed this knowledge to his grateful padawan. His hair was going gray at the temples but he still kept up the fitness regime of a young man and made no exceptions for his student. He had seen a great deal of promise in the girl and from his initial meeting knew that she was not a fighter, she had too much power with her carefully spoken words to bother with force of arms. Still, she handled her lightsabers with precision and ease and her command of the Force startled even him at times. He drilled her everyday to keep her in form and worked on enhancing her already powerful connection to the Force.

She was not exempted, however, from attending the volunteer classes; some of which he taught. Her free time still limited by supplementary assignments and training, Revan did what most Padawans did not: she went to the Archives to work. It was a bright afternoon and the sun was filtering in through the windows, highlighting the two figures sitting side beside each other in some corner seats. One was attentively reading a datapad and the other slouched in her chair, legs kicking back and forth.

"That speech you gave was really impressive," commented the antsy figure. Telra Nora, a Nubian, was born with a shocking head of red hair and an insatiable appetite for all things lively. She couldn't keep quiet for more than two minutes and was a good source of information about all the events in the Temple.

Revan idly scrawled notes on some parchment as she studied the subject matter before her: the rules and history of the Telosian people. At sixteen, Revan really did not want to spend her day inside the Temple looking over obscure facts about the humanoid races of the galaxy. She'd rather be meditating in the gardens or doing some practical training, but as it was, it didn't seem as if she had any choice. Her Master was adamant that she learn this, it had been his class after all.

The two Padawans had been friends for as far back as their minds could remember. While the two were as similar as chalk and cheese, they found some satisfying companionship with the other. Telra had never, in their twelve years of friendship, let Revan have a day's peace. Though the blonde Padawan didn't mind this, Telra's effervescent personality could sometimes be a bit much to handle. Revan would never tell Telra this, but sometimes the thought was quite tempting. She had actually tried to hide from her that morning, but the redhead had easily discovered her location from a giggling apprentice and zoomed in on her. Revan said she could stay, so long as she didn't distract her from work. Telra never made good on her promises.

Unaware of her friend's thinning patience, Telra laughed happily. "I've never heard anyone make Bith physiology sound so interesting. You had the entire class in an uproar, you know? If you don't receive top marks for your work - "

"I probably will," interrupted Revan, her tone of voice grave, "at least I better. I spent a good month researching it and conducting interviews not to mention the weeks it took me to write out the speech. High marks take effort."

"But you always have so much time!" exclaimed the other padawan. "You never seem stressed at all, Revan! Its unnerving sometimes; the others think you're hiding something."

Revan shrugged, scratching down a few more words in a hasty, elegant script. "I'm not hiding anything. To be honest, it's really nothing special. I sleep well at night," she turned over the parchment, "that's all there is to it."

"Don't lie, Rev," countered Telra. "There's some secret. Teach it to me!"

Revan paused and looked up, one eyebrow raised in question. "There is nothing to teach, Telra. I do the work when I get it and lay off on the procrastination. I'll do all the work at once and that way I'm free later. Is that so big a secret?"

Telra sighed and tried to read her datapad.

"Its upside down," pointed out Revan.

Telra gave a sheepish grin. "Thanks."

A few moments of silence passed until Telra had another topic to talk about.

"Hey, Rev?"

"_Yes_, Telra?" came the preoccupied reply. Revan's eyes continued to scan the text before her.

"What do you think of the others in our class? We're going to be assigned partners in a few days." Telra's pool of knowledge did not just encompass the gossip of the students, but the rumors and lesson plans of the teachers.

Revan shrugged her shoulders in reply. "You already know who I'm partnered with, Tel, why not just tell me and I'll answer as best I can."

"Malak Onudon," said Telra slowly, pronouncing each syllable. "The most feared apprentice when we were kids."

"Malak," Revan said slowly, "I don't remember ever feeling fear when around him. He never intimidated me."

"He intimidated me!" exclaimed the other padawan.

Revan's face become thoughtful as her mind searched through various memories. "That was never his intention."

"Sure, sure," Telra wriggled about in her seat some more. "There's always one kid in the class who falls to the darkside. It's going to be him, I'm telling ya."

The blonde girl gave a half smile. "You shouldn't presume to judge others. Neither of us knows Malak as well as we should and therefore have no right to make any decisions regarding his future. Just because he, like I, dwarf you, doesn't mean he's evil, Telra."

Telra made a face. "You do not dwarf me."

Revan snorted, "of course I don't. That's why when you borrowed my robe it trailed behind you for nearly a foot."

"So I'm short, big deal. I still say he'll turn."

"Ever persistent, Tel, ever persistent." Revan returned to her notes.

Telra snatched the datapad away. "You still didn't answer me."

Revan sighed. "Malak's good with a lightsaber, I've seen him in action. He's impressive for someone with his physique, though I would assume that's because what he lacks in speed he makes up for in strength."

"And?" prompted Telra.

"No! No more 'ands!' I have work to do, Telra, and I can't do it with you interrupting my train of thought every few seconds!" Revan snatched the datapad back too quickly for the other girl to see.

Telra did, however, feel the scratch that Revan's nails had made on her finger. It was quite unintentional really, but it was deep enough that a few droplets of blood spilled out. She looked at her hand critically and then turned an impassive stare on Revan. "I'm going to the healers. Who knows what bacteria you have living in your nails."

Revan coldly waved her hand in a gesture of dismissal. As Telra left the archives, it appeared that the other Padawan was back to work carefully scanning the datapad for more information. But that was only an illusion. Revan's eyes were only reading the same sentence over and over again: _…it is often that young Telosians will join the militia before entering into the professional field… _She immediately straightened up as a shadow fell across her.

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Revan awoke with a start; her eyes snapping open at the _chink _of glass. Her instincts kicking in, she sprang from the bed and called the blasters hidden beneath her pillows to her hands. Using the Force, the lights were snapped on to push away the darkness that had come with the fall of night. There was no one there and yet the blasters remained aimed. She could see every corner of the room clearly and could feel nothing through the Force, but it would take more then that to convince Revan that she was totally alone.

"Move and I'll shoot you," she called into the air.

She slowly slid back onto the bed, the blasters comfortably settled in her hands. She left the lights on.

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"Padawan, you have grown most impressive."

Revan stood among the Jedi Council not in protest or at fault, but to be praised and rewarded for years of hard training. After twenty years of Temple life, diplomatic study and private lessons, Revan was probably too young to have this day come so soon. This was not her concern though. Her Master's schedule had become increasingly demanding with less and less time for lessons, though in reality, Revan felt there was little more he could teach her.

Recently, Revan had begun to notice the differences between herself and her Master. They did not have the same fighting style for one, he preferring a single lightsaber to her own two and he could offer no wise council about her technique. She developed her style on her own, refusing to turn to other Masters incase of insult to her own. He, being a man, could also not offer a great deal of advice on her more…womanly problems. For those she turned towards Telra. Their only common ground was their fantastic application and knowledge of the political arena. There was no other student in the Temple that matched Revan in sheer knowledge and experience. That was her Master's craft, that's what he groomed her to do in life - he had no other choice but to nominate her for Knighthood because he could teach her no more.

"Indeed, you have proven yourself to be worthy of the title Jedi Knight with your persistent training and hard work. Effort such as you have contributed is rarely seen among the padawans of the Order," Relanai inclined her head in a nod. "I give my approval that you have passed your trials and are ready to be admitted as a full member of the Jedi Order."

The other masters murmured their consent with the statement. Revan had been particularly bright and useful; she was to be merited for her efforts.

The Jedi in question gave a controlled smile. A Jedi must be ever mindful of pride…or at the very least be mindful of it when there were people around who could reprimand you. Now was not a good time to gave a smirk and a wink to the giver of the compliment, it wouldn't be taken favorably by a stodgy master as compared to a single, Coruscanti diplomat. Revan had learnt that the hard way.

"I shall make the decision known and update the Archive's index," said Morio. He smiled at the young woman. "People everywhere will know your name, Revan, I have no doubt of that."

"Let us hope that it will be for your wisdom and not for your sass!" teased the Corellian Jedi, Jadoran Ith. He gave Relanai a covert wink and smile which she returned when no one was watching.

Revan gave him a roguish grin despite herself. As if he had any right to talk! She hadn't pranced about the galaxy for a year and a half, unnerving locals and having a good time blasting space corsairs to bits…and Mandalorians too. Revan's mood soured at the thought. She had been prudent in keeping her opinions about the Mandalorians to herself. Desperately she wanted to stop them, but if the Council had ever gotten word of this, it was likely that she'd never be knighted. "Better that than my charm."

The Council gave a lighthearted chuckle. They liked Revan despite her tendency for boldness. Rashness could be curbed with age and they knew that a person such as Revan would never be able to operate to her full potential under scrutinizing guidance. While they worried that perhaps too little guidance would serve to be her downfall, Revan was as kindhearted and genuine as they came. They had monitored her progress for sometime, ever since a six year old Revan had waited outside their door for three hours to complain about the lack of creative learning in the crèche…and the food the apprentices were served. Of all twenty-five padawans of her age at the Temple, only she was the one who had bothered to solve their problems. Oh yes, she was a promising individual indeed.

"What will you do," asked Kirmo Del, the Zabrak of the Council, "now that you have been granted Knight status?"

"Its not official yet, is it?" questioned Revan.

"The Council has discussed you at much length before your arrival. Your Knighthood has been granted, Jedi Revan, we just need make it public," explained Master Vrook.

Revan was pleasantly surprised and yet not so ready to announce her plans. "I think I will travel," she said cautiously, "and see what I can do for the various systems of the Republic."

"That is admirable," commented Relanai, "but beware of the coming conflict, young Revan."

Inwardly, Revan gave a growl of disapproval. "That of the Mandalorians?"

Relanai nodded.

"Are they a very big threat then, Masters?" asked Revan quietly. There were ways to skirt around the issue at hand and still get what she wanted.

Vandar rewarded her with an inquisitive stare. "Danger enough, young Revan, they are danger enough."

The new Knight filed this information away. "I will remember it, Master Vandar."

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Revan rapidly twisted on her side, the blasters coming up to meet air. The lights were still on in the room and there was no sign of any disturbance. Everything was as it had been before she fell asleep. Cautiously, she looked behind her before sitting up. The blood thrummed in her ears as the adrenaline in her body surged and fell. There was nothing in the room. Not even a sweep with the Force could prove that some 'vergence' had manifested itself in a far corner.

There could be no explanation except that her mind was playing tricks on her, forcing her to believe that there was something to fear when there really wasn't. Her imagination was a vicious thing, but at least it gave her something to do. The thought that danger might be present was something that could keep Revan occupied for hours…but not this Revan.

She promptly lay back down and stared at the ceiling, ticking off the hours until the sun would rise.


	6. Section 1, Chapter 5B: Madness B

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Madness B

Revan's counting did not last for more than an hour before she succumbed once again to the dreams.

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Revan had started to gather Jedi to her cause openly. The Mandalorians were an increasing threat and the Republic had asked the Jedi for help. The Jedi were sworn to serve the Republic and now was the time to make good on their oaths. The older Padawans of the Order and newly appointed Jedi Knights were eager to take action against the savage warriors that were sweeping across the galaxy. The Masters, however, did not see it the time to lend assistance. To many senators and generals, this was looked upon as Jedi cowardice and abandonment.

The small group of eighteen Jedi that Revan had assembled at the Senate Hall was only a portion of the total Jedi she had convinced. There were maybe a hundred more willing to join. She couldn't be sure of the exact numbers; the Order was divided in half; the younger members wanted action while the elder tried to deny that there was a conflict. She knew it was dangerous for such a division within the ranks to exist, but it served her purposes well.

The Council's consent she did not have, but that would not deter Revan from her quest. It couldn't. There were other factors at work here and what was a poor night's sleep to the promise of a galaxy filled with peace? There was less and less sleep to be had these days so it mattered little. The Senate would hear what it wanted to hear from Revan's supplied Jedi, that's what mattered.

"So explain this further, Jedi Revan, you will aid the Republic against the Mandalorian invaders?" asked a senator.

Revan knew the senator's name, biography, homeworld and darkest secrets. She knew them about every senator there. They would do well to just accept her answers, no questions asked.

"And you have the leave of the Council to do it?" questioned another.

"Those Jedi not preoccupied with matters elsewhere will make good on their oaths to defend the Republic, you needn't worry about that." She was the picture of a perfect Jedi: eased yet regal posture, serene and orderly. "The Council is aware of the situation and has chosen…not to comment on such actions."

"So you do not have their leave?"

Revan did not look at the Jedi behind her; she already felt their trepidation through the Force. Raising a level stare on the senator, Revan smiled. "Many Jedi are not currently working on assignments and are sitting about the Temple waiting for a chance to shine. Jedi are not idle, Senators, and it is our sworn duty to defend the Republic. If we sit about doing nothing, we are not doing what we have been trained to do."

"How do we know that you won't back down when the fighting gets at its roughest. Jedi are peacekeepers, so I'm told, not warriors."

This was Revan's forte, the political arena. It was here that she was the most at home and it would be here that her reputation as the strongest Jedi of the Order would be sealed. She would not reassure them with her answers; instead she would have to make it personal. The other Jedi bristled with anticipation. Revan in action was a beautiful thing to behold.

Revan turned off her microphone. Her voice was strong enough without adding the enhanced volume. She had to prove to the senators that she was far more powerful than they were. As a consequence, the other Jedi would have to leave the senate car. She ushered them out silently, shaking her head at their protests. They would have to watch and learn from the railing. There were a few minutes of hushed silence as the senate car was maneuvered to the center of the vast hall. She stood with her head and shoulders held high, her hands folded before her so that she could make easy of use them. The lights that fell across Revan outlined her figure in a golden aura. She looked absolutely awe inspiring and godly.

The hush continued for an agonizing amount of time and when the tension in the room was finally about to burst, she spoke:

"We give up everything," said Revan, "to protect you." She opened her arms out wide. "This is our world. We have sacrificed everything that makes life worthwhile for the greater good and glory of the galaxy. For the Republic. Do you know what that means?" She paused, waiting for the answer to the rhetorical question. "Do you? Can you even begin to understand the loneliness that some of us feel? It is a deep, dark despair that we fight because duty is more important.

"We aren't allowed to love because the Republic must always come first. We can have no children because the Republic must always come first. Emotional attachments are forbidden because the Republic must always be our number one priority." She paused, the blue fires in her eyes mesmerizing the Senate Hall. "The Republic is my lover, its people are my children and its enemies are my own. The same can be said for any Jedi. The Republic is the embodiment of all that we have forfeited and that makes it even more paramount that it remains intact. That others should suffer as we because of war or poverty is unbearable.

"Those Jedi who fall to the darkside are those who do not understand the reasons why we give up our emotions. We do this so that we may better value them. We only know the importance of something until it is lost. Abuse is something that sentient beings are good at. We abuse transportation, homes, holovids…we think nothing of them now, but if they were to go, we'd understand just how much they means to us. The emotions of a Jedi are the same. It is a lonely life we lead, but it is one that must be done.

"Now, the Republic has asked us for assistance. In good faith, we can not deny it. If we do, our sacrifices have been in vain and our existence has been a lie." She made sure to catch the gaze of the Chancellor with her own, "I would die for the Republic in order to see it safe." She slapped both her hands onto the control board. "The Mandalorians will be stopped by any means necessary." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She waited for a response.

The applause was deafening.

Revan allowed herself a private smile. A few well placed words and they were eating out of the palm of her hand.

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A thump in the hallway outside made Revan jump to consciousness. She didn't move from her bed, knowing that the sound was muffled and therefore not in her room, but her heart still fluttered wildly in her chest. She awaited the familiar _whirrr _of the door sliding open, but nothing happened. She would have no visitors for the moment.

She sighed. A little bit of combat might better put her in the mood to sleep.

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"I want to see this slaving block," commented the leader. Her head was cocked to one side and her blonde hair was swept back out of her face by several thick braids. The Jedi's blue eyes were frosted at the edges, displaying her impatience and ire at the present situation. There were _slaves _on the planet? Well, that would be taken care of immediately.

"The Lady Jedi must pay," cooed the doorman. His oily hair was the brightest thing in the room next to his grin. The false whiteness of his teeth sickened the small group that congregated about him. "Or if she doesn't have credits, there are other ways of bargaining…"

Revan's eyes darkened and her hands lovingly caressed the lightsaber hilts at her waist. The other Jedi were put on edge by the dangerous aura she was projecting. Revan's moods were never the same these days, she was edgier and her charm now had a more menacing spin to it. They could see from the circles under her eyes that she was no longer sleeping at night. The only person who had some idea of their leader's condition was Telra, but she never told them, as she herself didn't know. Revan slept fitfully and often awoke screaming or in a cold sweat. It had been that ways for years and was the basis for the nickname that Telra gave her: dreamer. Telra had often asked her friend about the things that made her cry out in the night, but Revan had just given her an absent smile and turned away. Revan was the most fearless person Telra knew; it must have been something terrifying if it invoked such horror in her.

Today, it was not the Nubian that stepped forward to curb her friend's rising temper. Much to everyone's surprise, it was Malak. He laid a soft hand her shoulder, giving it a small squeeze to let her know he was near. The doorman took a step back at his towering height, but Malak was actually very gentle. He was not looking for a fight; he simply wanted to help the person he admired most in the galaxy. His relationship with Revan was not the same as hers with Telra, nor should it be, but the two had a good understanding of each other's personalities. Because of this, it was often that she consulted him on matters of importance first. He was deeply honored.

Revan felt Malak's warm hand upon her and checked her desire to have the man's heart on a plate. She suppressed her irritation and tried to muster some calm in her voice. The Force knew what she'd do if it weren't for the individuals at her back. "Ways of bargaining?" she asked. Her eyes glittered in the dim light. "Open that door, no bargain."

The doorman didn't budge. "Sorry, sugar, but it just ain't gonna happen."

Revan had never been forced to use the mind trick so many times in her life as she had on Taris. It was a planet filled with weak minded, greedy individuals. This doorman was not the first person to put Revan in such a position…and she had a strict standard of punishment for those who delayed her for too long. "You want to let me in." Her hand gave a subtle wave below her waist. She smirked. She would have some fun with this one. "You want to give all your money to the Outcasts and live among them, you will be polite to all women you meet, become celibate and castrate yourself when the urge becomes too great. Oh, but before you do all that, take a bath. You smell. And get rid of the greasy hair. In fact, shave your head. Don't forget to - "

"Revan," warned Telra.

Revan grit her teeth at Telra's reprimand. "Don't forget to live a happy, healthy life." She turned and gave a pointed stare at her friend, "happy now, _my lady?_" she taunted.

Telra was about to open her mouth with a retort when the man's vacant stare began to focus. He gave Revan a charming smile and opened the door for her and the rest of the group. "Ladies first!"

Revan smiled and motioned for the rest of her fellows to follow her.

(((((((((()::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::>

Revan rolled onto her back and adjusted the pillow so that her head was comfortably supported. The _chink_ was back, but its source was indeterminable. She wished Carth was sleeping next to her, hell she'd settle for Canderous, anything but the sound of her own breathing and the _chinking _noise. She had a sneaking suspicion the Mandalorian would appreciate a few bruises in the morning. She'd be quite comfortable in his strong embrace…but it wouldn't quite be the same as Carth's. She could melt into Carth. At least, she thought she could. A few stolen hugs and a spin along the beach, that's all she had to remember his physical presence by.

Its like he was afraid to touch her. Revan studied her forearm. Last time she checked she wasn't covered head to toe in scales or feathers. Where was her reward for being a good girl? Where were the soul searing kisses, the senseless groping before going into danger and the 'Ebon Hawk Tango?' Not even a peek at the goods or a glimpse of bare chest.

Damn that man. The thought of him sent her body into overdrive.

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Revan stepped over the smoking carcass of the slaver. She had no time or patience for simpletons. What _was_ it with this planet? She gave everyone ample warning that if they interfered, they wouldn't like the consequences. Did she attract idiots or something? They were too stupid for a mind trick to work so obviously they fell beneath her lightsabers. It pained her to say it, but they were all just necessary regrets at the end of the day. Actually, it didn't pain her at all. There was no use in crying over the foolish dead.

The others of her band made quick work of the remaining guards. Revan had taken it upon herself to open the cages. The first one she moved to was only half her body size. She suspected the occupant to be larger than three feet and thought it best to open their cage first. To be honest, it wasn't so much a cage as it was a box with a few strips of open air. The durasteel walls were solid except for the bars at the front. They allowed air and food to be placed within but offered little else. Her lightsaber made short work of the lock and soon the door was open.

There was a girl inside the cage.

"Come out," whispered Revan to the child. "We're here to save you." She reached a hand forward in the darkness, hoping that the girl was not hostile.

The girl gave a small hiss of disapproval and reached out a clawed hand in defense.

Revan hopped back and gave a silent curse, the scratches in her hand stinging. She hadn't been expecting that. The lights were incredibly dim in this shady building and she had to rely on the Force to guide her movements for the most part. She took a few steps away from the cage and again beckoned the girl out. "I'm not going to hurt you," she knelt down so that the girl in the box could look at her, if indeed she could at all see. "The slavers are dead, we killed them."

Still the girl did not move.

"I swear on my word as a Jedi that I will see you safely out of here," stated Revan calmly, her face etched with determination. "You will not be touched while under my care. I swear it."

At the mention of Jedi, the slave tentatively crawled out of the cramped box. Her back legs were weak from the constant crouch she was forced into and Revan did her best to help her to her feet. The girl shied away. The Jedi noted with some distaste that those bastard slavers were imprisoning innocent children. The poor Cathar had been kept in a space that was too small for her growing body. Revan made sure she was steady before releasing her grasp.

"Are you ok?" she gave the first genuine smile since she had been on the planet.

The Cathar's eyes widened considerably and she stammered out a meek 'yes.' She was obviously embarrassed about the situation. If it were Revan, she would have been too. She could sense through the shame the girl felt. Revan didn't know how long the slaves had been there, but the stench of various excrement was now only hitting her senses.

"There's no need to feel ashamed," cooed Revan. She took off her cloak and wrapped it about the girl. The skimpy outfit she wore did little more then cover vital parts. "The Force knows we'd all feel the same if placed in your position." She gave another smile. "You're very brave, you know that?"

The Cathar did not give any verbal cue back, but Revan could sense that she appreciated the gestures.

"Do you have a name?" prompted the Jedi.

"Juhani," whispered the Cathar.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Juhani. My name's Revan and I'm taking you to freedom."

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"It's a pleasure to meet you, Revan. My name's Carth Onasi and I'm taking you to freedom. Damn it, Carth, why didn't you say _that _to me instead of, 'its good to see you up!'" Revan gave a frustrated kick at her blankets. They fell off the bed and down to the floor. Did he know what he did to her? Perhaps it was just the delirium that was pushing her mind down this road, but it brought up some things Revan had to consider. The man turned her life upside down and when she needed him the most, he backed down. Honestly! He wanted her to _stay _with the Jedi? What did he think she would do, follow him around the galaxy in the Ebon Hawk the rest of her life? Or perhaps party away the credits they had so meticulously acquired?

Oh yes, her life was just one big festivity with the Jedi Council dancing to their own tune. "It's my party," she grumbled, "therefore I'm kicking out all the party crashers. Yes, Canderous, that means you."

Madness.

_Chink chink chink chink chink chink chink chink chink chink chink chink._

Madness.

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Revan sketched out a few lines with her console wand onto the digital map before her. Malak stood patiently by her side, waiting to be addressed. She ignored him for the moment, focusing her attention on the battle strategy before her. It was the fifth of fifteen tactical moves Mandalore might choose to make, considering his previous skirmishes against the Republic. While the leader of the Mandalorians was a fine tactician, Revan was a better one and she quickly caught a pattern with his attacks. The battle over Malachor V would be long and arduous for both sides, but Revan had some very interesting maneuvers up her sleeve.

To defeat Mandalore, one had to think like Mandalore. But to think like Revan? That was damn near impossible and everyone knew it. She pulled off the unbelievable because that's who she was, that's what the Force had destined her to do. She had one focus: stop the Mandalorians, for the past three years that's all she had lived for. As she ate she thought of battle plans, as she stepped into the refresher she was plotting where the next battle would be, as she slept…she dreamed.

The computer saved the new additions to the plans and shut down. Revan let a few seconds slip by before turning to face Malak. "I take your meeting with the Admiral and his staff went well?"

Malak nodded his head. By the lines and red marks on his face, the war was taking its toll on him too, but Malak would never admit to it. "Admiral Karath has nothing but faith in your strategies. He is a good man, Revan. He has good subordinates too."

Revan nodded her head and sighed. The rest of her Jedi were not aboard the _Siren, _they were on the _Avenger _and the _Triumph_ awaiting her orders. As soon as she had finalized battle plan nine, the transmissions would be sent and the ships would fly into formation. She was preoccupied with thoughts of the battle; she didn't really want to talk with Malak at the moment.

"Have you met some of his staff?" pushed Malak. "After this war is over, they are all due for hefty promotions. The Republic has lost many of its best commanders in hopeless battles."

"Then its lucky we came along, right?" Revan gave a slow, sardonic smile. It was lucky that _she _came along. Without her, hundreds more Republic ships would be hunks of wreckage and thousands of new coffins would have to be made. And, imagine that, she did it all for free. "But to answer your question," the smile disappeared, "I haven't. Why, is there someone of particular worth you have spied?"

"I know none of them by name," responded Malak, "but I have a…a feeling about a few of them."

Revan quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? Humor me."

Malak laughed. "I won't go into all of them at length, I'll just do one. Sound fair?"

"Fair," agreed Revan.

"He's smaller than me by a few inches," started Malak. "Brown hair, brown eyes, stubble, strong build - "

Revan stopped him with an outstretched hand. "He's very handsome, I'm sure."

"If you came to eat with the rest of the officers, perhaps I could point him out to you," Malak favored Revan with a triumphant stare.

"No, I'm quite happy eating my meals in the relative peace of my quarters." Revan strode to her desk chair and languidly dropped herself into it. "Why are you interested in him?" She gave a weary sigh.

Malak shifted nervously, Revan was not acting as he thought she would. "Remember when I told you that I experienced unusual Force surges? This is one of those times." The excitement rose in his voice. Malak had never been strong in the Force, only physical might. This new affinity for it pleased him immensely and he hoped that it pleased Revan too. "It's the strangest thing, I can actually feel the strings of the Force around him, pulling him on into something vast and great. Its like the Force is telling me - "

Revan turned a dark stare on him; a mercurial mood swing was on its way. "Don't be so foolish, Malak. I expected better of you than to tell me that some common grunt has a huge destiny before him." She sneered at him and turned to organizing some papers on her desk. "Can't you see that I have more to worry about than your prophecies? Get out of here, you're wasting my time."

Malak opened his mouth to speak again but Revan gave him an irritable wave of her hand. A soldier always knew a dismissal when he saw one and yet it made Malak's blood boil. He would get her back for that.

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Chink chink chink.

Sleep eluded Revan the rest of the night.


	7. Section 1, Chapter 6: Her Choice

A Step Away

**I. A Step Away From the Darkness**

A/N: Sorry it took so long for this chapter to be posted! Things have been terribly busy and I'm working on another story as well (not KotOR, but still BIOWARE) so my time has been divided. Hopefully this will be updated more over the summer. Let's keep our fingers crossed, eh? Read and enjoy!

**Her Choice**

Morning brought no solace to Revan. In fact, it only seemed to worsen her sour mood. All the implanted memories of the Council and all the memories she had made on her own all marked her as a devout admirer of space's dark embrace. It used to be that the sun hurt her sleep-sensitive eyes, but now, after all the curtains had been drawn aside and all the revelations revealed – everything dawn represented hurt too much.

Revan was well read and properly versed in many of the galaxy's cultures, so she knew that many people considered a sunrise to be the dawn of a new beginning. It was a promise for a fresh start and only seemed to intensify the guilt she felt in her gut. Was there really such a thing as a clean slate? Was forgiveness possible? For her, it seemed that each new day only brought on more challenges and unsolved problems.

The challenges were fine, but the problems weren't of the average variety. They continued to multiply and grow: Dustil, training, finding the Ebon Hawk, Carth, redeeming herself, Dustil, getting back her Knighthood, Carth's wife, celebratory banquets, Dustil, reconciling Bastila, getting out of the Jedi, Dustil…the list never got any shorter and only seemed to grow and grow and grow and grow.

She stretched out her legs and leaned back in the chair. Everything was a big conspiracy: it figured that the Jedi would give her a room where the darkened blinds were on a timer. Much to her chagrin, the first sliver of golden light traced its way across the floor to her bed. Revan watched it with a wary distaste from her position at the provided desk. The Iktotchi must have taken more from her mind than her memories.

Yet the masters hadn't counted on the mind scan to backfire. They extracted thoughts from her head, but they also awakened the dormant memories of her past life. Revan's mind was much soberer than had been earlier that morning and she was ready to start thinking logically. Her disgruntled, sleep depraved self had told her to keep the knowledge of her memories to herself and yet the more rational side (that was now dominant) said it was best that she share it with someone, but who?

Beep.

The door chime was ringing…

"Enter!" Revan turned her red rimmed eyes to the door. She hoped it was Juhani…or Carth!

Much to her dismay, Master Vandar was the one who graced her humble room with his presence. He did not immediately address her as he entered; instead he surveyed the state of her quarters before making his way to a low couch.

Revan watched him settle comfortably into one of the more luxurious seats. "Are you surprised," she asked, "that I didn't rip the place to shreds?" She had seen that look of wary surprise before – she had worn it herself.

Vandar's mouth quirked into a strange smile. "I bid you good morning, Revan."

"And a what a fine morning it is," grumbled the blonde. "Too sunny for my tastes. Why does it never seem to rain on Coruscant?" she sighed forlornly and threw a small ball of paper at the window.

The older Jedi gave a small click of his tongue in amusement. "It does rain here on occasion. The buildings, as you might have guessed already, have altered the planet's climate considerably."

Revan got up from her desk and moved towards the window. She tapped it a few times with her finger. It made an interesting _ping _noise. "Is there anyway I can deactivate the timer on the shutters? I'd like a bit of darkness, thank-you-very-much."

"Such is the reason why they were programmed," replied the master. "There was a consensus that darkness would not be fitting for you."

"I think better when it's dark." Revan leaned her forehead on the cool glass and stared out into the sky.

The small Jedi peered curiously at the woman. He noted the haunted look about her face and the dark circles under her eyes. It was not an appearance typically found on the younger members of the Order. Such a visage was normally found on elderly Knights who had seen too much war. It was a reason why the Jedi were peacekeepers and not warriors: Jedi were far too sensitive to deal with hate, death and despair on a regular basis. It mutated their ability to connect with the Living Force and often polluted their centers of control with the shock and trauma of the universe's decay.

Vandar did not know what had polluted her core so quickly. He remembered the terrified eyes of a young apprentice. Usually masters were able to shield the children from such things, but sometimes one or two students slipped through the cracks. It appeared that Revan had been one of them.

His thoughts were interrupted by a question of harsh intent.

"Why are you staring at me?" Revan did not look away from the window.

Vandar smiled and chuckled. "I was reflecting, young one. Tell me, did you sleep well?"

"No," was her simple response.

"Why?"

Revan smiled. "You already know the answer to that, Master."

Vandar leaned forward and placed his head atop his three fingered hands. His voice was soft as he spoke. "Dreams pass in time."

Revan's shoulders sagged and she closed her eyes against the harsh sun. She smiled into the blinding light, a sad, self-deprecating kind of smile. "Jedi don't have nightmares."

Vandar's response didn't surprise Revan. "All Jedi have nightmares."

"Not chronic ones, surely." The woman opened her eyes despite the pain.

"Many of the greatest masters of our Order suffer them regularly. It is the Force at work, warning those with the most to lose of the darkside," replied Vandar.

Revan smiled mirthlessly. "Do you have them?"

Vandar nodded. "I am old, Revan, as are many of us. Age brings some respite but does not always protect against them."

Revan did not respond for a long while. She mulled over the information as her eyes watered and burned from the direct connection she made with the sun. She snapped her head to the side, her eyes following the tiny globules of white light that danced before her. Her tone of voice was much less brusque and terse than before, but still retained a business like edge. "I've had them since I was young. Telra," she smiled at the fleeting memory she had received, "Telra used to call me her 'dreamer.' It was our little secret, the dreams. I told her not to say anything. I know she did, I know you knew, but no one ever said anything to me."

The master scratched his chin thoughtfully. "Remember Telra, do you?" he paused, thinking, "were they echoes or dreams?"

"Echoes," supplied Revan. "They were echoes of my past. They were all memories that were significant to my life now." Out of the corner of her eye she thought she could see Vandar's face become distant. "The Force works in mysterious ways. No doubt they were shown to me for a reason."

"The scan," Vandar said slowly, noticing Revan's wince of pain at the mention, "did more than we thought it would. Memories that your mind had previously locked away before Malak's attack must have been opened when Relanai entered your private thoughts. A strange thing to see again I would assume."

"You have no idea," muttered Revan.

Vandar gave a small laugh at this. "It is good to know that not all things about you have changed. Merely the name."

"And what's in a name? It will change again soon enough, at least the last part of it will." Revan leant her back against the window and awaited Vandar's response.

"Thinking of Admiral Onasi, are you?" he inquired.

"Thinking is a bit of an understatement," Revan smoothed out a few creases in her robe. "I can't get him out of my head."

Vandar peered at Revan curiously. "You have made up your mind." It was not a question.

Revan nodded her head and sighed. "He's what I want, Master. I'm sorry to say it." She shrugged her shoulders. "When it all boils down, I didn't ask to become a Jedi again, it was forced upon me and now a decision that I didn't even make is dictating my life. I don't desire any of it anymore. I can't just sit by and watch the world turn without me. If the Council decides that I need years of retraining, I'd rather you just let me go. Its efficient that way."

There. Her ultimatum was given.

Vandar used the Force to open the window next to Revan. "Out there," he said, "is a world filled with hope and danger. None of us want to see you fall prey to that danger again Revan. The hurt and shame that was felt when you left us will last a long time."

"So you would take the effort to retrain a reluctant Jedi while the rest of the galaxy is struggling with the aftermath of Malak's chaos?" Revan shook her head in disbelief. "Can you honestly tell me that I'm worth more than twenty billion distressed people?"

"Some fear that you might add to their distress," said Vandar calmly. "I am not one who holds that opinion."

"But Master Vrook does. He holds that opinion and will tell everyone else he meets of what a sorry excuse of a Jedi I am. Vandar," Revan fixed an angry stare on him, "if the rest of the Jedi were like him, I'd never see daylight again. The man is fixed on my absolute ruin and humiliation."

This earned another small chuckle from the master. "Is that what you think of Master Vrook? Truly?"

Revan inhaled a shaky breath of fresh air. "Yes."

"Perhaps you need an explanation," suggested Vandar. "I think not everything has been made clear to you yet."

"Say what you like, it will probably change little." Revan titled her head back and closed her eyes again. The breeze twisted a few strands of her hair in the sunlight. She needed to cut it.

"Of all the Jedi that were hurt when you and Malak fled, Master Vrook was the one who was the most devastated at the loss. You must understand that as a Master, it is our job to help nurture the Apprentices and Padawans. Sometimes we take on too much of a liking to specific individuals, a break in the Jedi Code on both parts." The smaller Jedi studied Revan thoughtfully. "The bond between a Padawan and their Master is not merely an impersonal one, but the bond between a student and a teacher is.

"Master Vrook and many others of the Council were delighted when you made progress and sought to help you grow as a Jedi. Individuals such Master Zhar also took great pride in your work. Your fall to the darkside proved to us that we had erred in making strong emotional ties, such as family members do, and many have not yet since recovered. He has tried to distance himself away in fear of making such a mistake again. His forgiveness will come in time, but some wounds take longer to heal. Do not hold it against him." Vandar quietly awaited Revan's reaction.

"So let me get this straight," Revan replied, eyes still closed. "Many Jedi, including Master Vrook, are bitter that I fell to the darkside because they made 'strong emotional ties' to me. They're afraid," she continued, "that I'm going to fall again. Damn it," her fist slammed the wall beside her thigh, "does no one have any faith in me?"

Vandar made no move to respond.

"Rhetorical question," Revan sighed, her hand unclenched itself and she opened her bleary eyes. "Yeah, I know."

"It may be easiest if you know what path you will take," Vandar opened a hand towards her, a sign of peace. "What do you want in life, Revan?"

"All I know is that I can't spend my life within the confines of these walls." Revan moved from her indifferent pose to a defensive stance. She placed her hands on her hips and planted her feet firmly on the ground. "While I agree with the 'idea' of the Jedi, I can't live as one. I'm sorry, I may be impatient for saying this, but the Jedi Code, to me, is not the same as it is to you."

"I am well aware of this," Vandar nodded knowingly. "But do you know it?"

Revan raised an eyebrow in question. "There is no peace in me, Master. I am pure, raw, bleeding emotion. I only feel serenity when I'm around Carth; harmony only comes when a mission is complete. The most useful knowledge I've gained is that which I've hacked from a data bank. That's what the Jedi Code is to me. It's a scandal!" Revan made a mocking face of surprise. "It's blasphemy, it's unorthodox…but it's me." She let her arms drop to her sides. "It's me."

Vandar nodded his head in agreement. "And you can live with this decision?"

Revan gave a grim smile. "I'll have to."

"Then that is all one can ask for," said the Jedi Master.

"Master?" asked Revan, "what's going to happen. I'll have to…prepare."

"The Council will have another discussion."

"That's all the Council ever seems to do, discuss things," replied Revan bitterly.

Vandar merely smiled at the comment.

"Look," Revan began, "I don't want anyone to waste anymore time on me. If you're going to make me a Jedi Knight again, by all means do it and do it quickly. I'm going out of my mind in here."

"And if it doesn't turn out the way?" inquired Vandar.

"Then let me go." Revan's blue eyes were hard.

"I sense that you have some," Vandar searched for the word, "conditions. Am I correct?"

Revan gave a sheepish smile that did not quite reach her eyes. "Conditions? Well, now that you mention it I do have a few. The Council would never agree to them, sadly. Thank you for asking, though."

"Then I shall take my leave of you. May the Force be with you, Revan." Vandar slowly made his way to the ground and casually moved towards the door.

Revan stopped him just as he was about to step through it. "Whatever happened to Telra?" Revan called out.

Vandar did not turn around. "She died."

A sudden thought echoed in Revan's head as the door closed behind Vandar.

Revan watched as the redhead pushed her way through the small throng of Jedi assembled at the bridge's entrance. Her hair was disheveled from hours of fighting and minor cuts and bruises could be seen on her face. Of the seventy Jedi reported to have landed on the Requiem_, only fifteen had managed to survive the countless, well trained troops Revan had at her disposal. That her once good friend had been among them only made this day all the more bitter. _

Telra was walking – no limping – at a frantic pace towards her. Revan could see from the blood on her tunic that her time aboard the ship had not been easy. "Revan!" she cried. "Revan!"

Revan stood as still as a statue before Telra. The mask she wore betrayed nothing and the robes barely swayed with the soft breeze of the ventilation systems. What was this insect of a woman doing? Was Telra trying to redeem her? Oh, how she would laugh about that later in private!

"Revan," Telra's brown eyes were bright with determination. "I've come here to save you." She planted her feet firmly on the floor despite the pain she must have been feeling from the wound on her side.

"Save me?" came Revan's husky voice. "From what? Myself? The darkside?" She gave a low chuckle. "Have you come to awaken this dreamer?"

Telra's face hardened. "Is that what it was, the dreams? What did they promise you in return for the fall? Did the dreams make you a slave to the darkness?"

Revan was smiling behind the mask. A flicker of light in her darkness? These thoughts could be exploited. Carefully, Revan weaved her words. "There are some things you don't understand!" Her voice was pained. Such a consummate actor was she.

"Then make me understand!" Telra pleaded. "Why didn't you say anything? Why wouldn't you let me?"

"Because they threatened you too!" Revan's hands gestured wildly "They said they'd come for you and I couldn't let that happen, I couldn't!" Well, it was partially true. They had said they'd come for the people she loved if she didn't obey.

"But surely there must have been-" Telra was interrupted by a gloved hand.

"Years upon years of terror and fearing the shadow, it…it…" how convincing she sounded with a few well-placed sobs and stutters! "They wouldn't stop, they wouldn't leave me alone! Night after night for years!" It was amazing just how much could be heard through the mask. Revan knew she was striking a chord within her friend. Telra had ever been soft hearted and even had a bit of a romantic streak in her.

Telra would jump at the notion that perhaps Revan could still be saved. To kindle the hope of her redemption in Telra's eyes and then suck it away might ease the demands the darkness made upon her. Anything to stop the ache she felt…

"I'm sorry, Revan!" tears streamed down Telra's face. "I'm sorry that I didn't protect you from the nightmares, that I didn't do anything more to help." She took a few steps forward but was halted as Revan backed away. Telra was mentally and physically exhausted – she would believe anything.

"No! I don't think I could save you from it, it would be too much," Revan winced as the words came out, they sounded contrived and hollow to her own ears but it appeared that Telra was eating them up.

"No, Revan. You can be saved! I know you can!" Telra continued her advance.

"NO! You shouldn't, don't!" Revan's pleas became less and less forceful; the Revan she was portraying wanted to be saved. She stopped her movement backwards and trembled at Telra's approach.

"I'm sorry," Telra whispered. She closed the gap between them, as if approaching a small, skittish animal. "Forgive me, Revan?" She slowly placed an arm about Revan's shoulders and felt Revan place her own arm around her waist…but then she had the most curious sensation. It was like she had awoken up in the middle of the night with a numb yet tingling sensation in her foot, and yet this feeling encompassed both her legs in its entirety. It was followed by a distant POP _from her ribs. She looked down to see a beam of harsh red protruding from her chest . _

She gave a look of horror towards Revan as the beam disappeared. She would have hit the ground hard, spinal cord being severed, but instead she was gently lowered down. Revan's arms surrounded her body even as smoke drifted from her wound.

"I forgive you," whispered Revan.

Telra's eyes widened in horror as blood began to collect in her throat. "No, it can't be," she gasped. "You're not…"

"Some things can't be changed. I am who I am." Revan stroked her face with her hand. " You will die."

The blood gurgled into Telra's mouth as she tried to speak. "You can still turn…its…" she gasped for air, "not too late."

"It is too late," said Revan quietly. Her visor reflected Telra's dying face, "for both you and me."

Telra shook her head in denial. "No…" she struggled out of Revan's grasp, desperately trying to get to her feet in dismay at the foolishness of her actions.

Revan easily held her down. "Ever persistent, Tel, ever persistent." She cupped the redhead's face in her hands and called upon the Force. Telra's strength would become her own. "But all things must end, I'm afraid. Goodbye."

It did not take long for the light in the Nubian's eyes to fade...

RequiemPOP 

Revan felt the cool wind on her face and looked out the open window. If she jumped, how long would it take to hit the ground?


	8. Section 1, Chapter 7: His Choice

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

His Choice

Carth put down the blaster he was tinkering with and ran an oil-smudged hand through his hair. He'd only been on Coruscant for three days and already he'd grown tired of it. While it was the planet that never slept, Carth didn't have anyone to go out and make trouble with. His military associates, while older, still hadn't changed much from their youth and had wanted a stag night to celebrate the Republic's victory over the Sith. Carth couldn't, in good faith, join them because his priorities lay elsewhere. He had Dustil to think of and…and Revan.

He was a real idiot sometimes. He had been given ample opportunity to whisk her away from the clutches of the Jedi Order – had even been asked to do that…but for all his ability to give orders in the heat of battle, Carth Onasi couldn't take the initiative in his own life. No wonder Dustil had said all those horrible things at Korriban. While they were convoluted with Sith malice, his words had rung with a hint of truth. Morgana _had _been stretched too thin and he didn't blame her. He just didn't want that to happen to Revan, he didn't want a repeat of the past. She deserved more than that.

It was all just a matter of putting his priorities in order. Carth had served the Republic all his adult life and would continue to do so until he retired or was shot dead by enemy fire. His conscience couldn't just let him walk away from his commitment in its service when there were still evil out there to be fought. Not to mention he was being promoted to Admiral later on in the week. High Admiral Forn Dodonna would have been very disappointed in him if he backed out. Hell, it wasn't even a high position in the Admiralty. Still, Carth was obligated to grin and bear it. How bad could Rear Admiral be?

She was a good woman, Dodonna. She'd helped Carth acquire fairly permanent quarters near the Republic High Commission's Building. From his window he could see the Jedi Temple. He had tried using hyper-oculars to see into the courtyard and the various glass panels that denoted the individual rooms of the Jedi. Yet they had not been powerful enough for him to see anything and knowing his luck the Jedi would have used some Force enchantment to prevent this type of spying. Behind one of those quiet, dormant windows, Revan must have been watching the world turn without her.

_Beep. Beep. Beep._

He'd almost forgotten, Dodonna had said that she was going to drop in anytime that week for an inspection. Since he hadn't had any visitors, it must have been her.

"Enter!" he called, hastily wiping his hands on a rag that lay near the bench. The door opened and he stood to attention.

"At ease, soldier," prompted Dodonna.

Carth relaxed into a more comfortable, yet still formal stance. This High Admiral was not Saul, despite her reputation for being good-natured.

Dodonna gestured to a seat. "May I?"

"Sure, Admiral," Carth nodded his head, surprised that she had even asked to sit down. He continued to stand, wondering

"Come, Carth, sit down. Only politically appointed personnel feel the need to rank drop. Former grunts like us don't need to use such pretenses." Dodonna pointed to a seat in front of her.

The pilot gave a small grin and took the offer. He'd never worked in close proximity with her before and was finding that she was a very agreeable person, but he had the feeling that she wasn't so considerate on the battlefield.

"There," the woman smiled, "that's better."

"Politically appointed personnel?" Carth gave a skeptical laugh, "I thought the Admiralty had it's own High Council."

The Admiral looked surprised. "I thought you knew all about this. The military gets its funding from the rich sons of Senators who buy commissions and the endorsement of certain lobby parties that wish to see certain courses of action taken. The High Council is comprised of good individuals, true, but considering the ratio of wealthy people to from the ranks promotions, well, you can get the general idea."

"Yeah, I think I got it," letting out a disappointed sigh, Carth leant forward, his elbows on his knees. "But you seem to be handling it pretty good."

"Well, Carth, I suppose it's just a matter of knowing where my own priority lies in contrast with the rest of the Admiralty. Everybody serves the Republic, that much is true, but whether we serve it out of a desire to do good or a desire to further our careers is another thing." Dodonna smiled. "Doubtlessly you must have seen the statistics about rank advancement."

Carth shook his head, "I can't say that I have, Admiral."

This made the Admiral frown. "No? Well, I suppose I can understand given your recent mission with the Jedi. I hope those medals we gave you aren't gathering dust in a box like I'm told your Mandalorian ones are." She gave him a stern look. "I expect you to be wearing all of them at your promotion ceremony, do I make myself clear?"

The pilot nodded. "Its clear, Admiral, but let me ask you this, why do I need physical evidence that I'm supposedly a 'hero' when everyone would believe it anyway?"

Dodonna smiled, "because politically appointed personnel feel the need to rank and prestige drop."

"You said the High Council was a decent bunch," countered Carth politely.

"There'll be more people there than the High Council, Carth. Senators, well-wishers, the media…everybody's there to see the hero of the Mandalorian Wars become what he should have been a long time." High Admiral Dodonna touched one of her own stripes fondly. "Good men died for you to receive those. Every time you wear them, you honor their memory."

Carth couldn't argue with her even if he wanted to do. "I suppose you're right. So what brings you here, Admiral? I would've expected a call to your office if all you wanted to do was talk." He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"The Senate is a paranoid group, Carth, always wanting their hands in everything the military touches," she gave a small bark of laughter. "My office has been bugged and debugged countless times over the years and the Admiralty has had its problems picking its members over the years."

"Rank promotions based on wealth and paranoia," Carth sighed. "I don't know if I want this job anymore, Admiral."

"A shame if that's the case," Dodonna gave Carth a stern look, "considering all the hard work that's been done on your behalf."

"Wait a minute, Admiral, so you came here to tell me that I was getting a promotion you had already made official? It doesn't make sense."

The Admiral folded her hands in her lap quietly. "I can't show favoritism among my officers as it's a breach of protocol. I can, however, get to know my staff. I like to know how they live, their attitudes, what their own motivations are for fighting the Republic's battles. I need to know that I can count on them to do their duty, even if they don't like it. A lot can be said about a man's military service by the look of his living quarters. I've found it the most reliable way to get a…second opinion. An expected, yet impromptu visit as you are experiencing."

"So you came here to see if I cleaned my room, Admiral?" Carth did his best not to laugh at her. "Well, I suppose I should be grateful. It could have been worse."

"I did say that I would appear here for an inspection and I am going to do just that for my own sake of mind." The Admiral stood, Carth following her motion to stand at attention, and made an impersonal tour of the space, inspecting the pile of papers on a desk and paying extra detail to the kitchen units. Carth was a fairly neat man…with some strange eating habits. Very similar to his superior commander…she came back into the main room. "You appear to have things in order, not completely ruining the place as a younger man would have done…but," something black on the wall caught her attention, "your communications console is smudged with oil." She took a look at Carth's hands, "you were expecting someone?"

Carth gave a terse nod of his head.

Dodonna gave him the typical, secretive smile of a woman, "it wouldn't happen to be one of your assignments, a member of the Jedi Council even?"

Carth again nodded his head.

"Revan?"

The pilot nodded silently.

"These are some pretty thick stains, Carth, you must have jumped at every call," Dodonna gave a small click of her tongue at the mess. "I hope that it cleans up." The Admiral gave a sigh and took her seat again. "At ease. Sit, Carth."

Carth did as ordered.

"Tell me, for my own sake of mind as well as yours, what are your feelings towards Revan. Oh and," she gave a small smirk, "permission to speak freely granted."

Carth, while still confused about the whole visit, had to comply with Dodonna's wishes. "Its, to tell the truth, its like I'm being eaten alive from the inside out. I just can't stop thinking about where she is, or what's she doing, what the Jedi have done to her…its like my mind is permanently glued onto her. I don't know whether its because I…I love her or because she's made some sort of Force connection…"

Dodonna filed away this information. The Force connection part was _especially _interesting. "Revan doesn't appear the type of woman to let something she wants pass by her, that's for sure."

"You're certainly right about that, Admiral, she's very pushy about what she wants. Even if it is me."

"Well, Carth, I can't claim to be an expert about the Jedi, I've only met with them briefly on occasion, but I do know that a Force connection can be a very dangerous and difficult thing." It could have meant influencing someone within the Admiralty and if Revan was up to her old tricks again than Dodonna would have none of it. Carth would have to be watched for such subtle signs of treachery.

"The bond with Bastila," Carth nodded his head in agreement. "But, but I think this is different. I'm not 'Force Sensitive' or whatever the Jedi call it, so I think that whatever link we have is much weaker than a typical Jedi-Jedi bond."

"Perhaps distance is a key?" mused the Admiral. "Its much like long range, terrestrial communications. The further two soldiers move apart, the weaker their communication signal becomes but the closer they are, the better it is. Fascinating thing."

"Are you sure the military was the right career choice?"

Dodonna laughed. "Are you trying to steal my position, Admiral Onasi?"

Carth managed to smile. "Wouldn't dream of it, Admiral Dodonna, wouldn't dream of it."

The Admiral gave a half-smile. Carth wouldn't function properly without Revan; she could see that now. Yet she was also very aware that Revan had committed a terrible transgression against the Republic – and her ties to Carth could help her do it again. She had to speak with Revan before she made up her mind. "I'll pull some strings for you, Carth."

Carth, while thankful, couldn't help but feel a cold shiver run down his spine. He'd been down this road before.

The day of Carth's promotion came quicker than he expected. Few would think that the new Admiral would be nervous about such events, but his mind was on other things. He thought of Revan, of Dustil: what they were doing, where they were, what the Jedi were doing had to do with their lives. He feared for Revan, truly, after her display earlier on the Rakatan beach, he knew that this was not what she wanted despite her final choice. If the Jedi did anything to hurt her…well, he didn't know what he would do. He knew Revan's wrath was worse than his own and she was selfish enough not to leave him any flesh on the bones.

As Carth donned his dress uniform and straightened his hair, he began to wonder about the future. Was marriage there for him? Another child? Was Dustil going to forgive him? Would Revan prove to be who she was? All these things and more crossed his mind as he felt the newest burden of his life fall upon his shoulders. He pinned on his Mandalorian War Veteran medals and couldn't help but think of Saul. Carth knew that Admiral Dodonna was a pleasant sort of woman. His conversation with her earlier on in the week demonstrated that she truly cared for those under her command. She had proved herself through service, like him, and knew what the day to day in a common soldier's life was like. But he knew that no one became a High Admiral because they were a nice person.

One had to have a certain sort of ruthlessness to gain such a position. In the greater scheme of things, High Admirals sacrificed planets, lives and treaties to further the Republic. Carth found this monstrous, as he had told Revan upon her interrogation by the Star Map on Kashyyyk. Revan sacrificed a planet because she knew she could save more lives. In war, there were no compromises and Carth wasn't sure if he could make such decisions. Everything was passed politically in front of the Senate, but on the battlefield, in the height of the fighting, Carth knew that Dodonna would easily sacrifice a ship and its crew if it could win the war.

But she was not Saul. He had made that very plain to himself. Just because she held his desired title did not mean that they were of the same mold. Dodonna would never betray the Republic, but he had said it himself, he didn't really know the woman or serve under her command. This time he would not make the same mistakes as before – even if he was falling love again and putting himself at risk. This time, he would not make that personal connection with his superior officers; he wouldn't get so close. Dodonna may have been a good woman, but she, or any other of the High Council, might have been biding their time. The conspiracy theorist in him would make him extra alert now that he knew what to look for. No one could be trusted but himself, Carth could have that luxury now.

He also had the luxury of his own ship, perhaps a fleet if he was really good. That put more responsibility on him as he had to manage captains, lieutenants and all other forms of rank, put people up for promotion when they deserved it and continue to say the funeral rights over dead comrades in arms. Some things never changed. Still, it should afford him a wealth of leeway in his time spent off ship and away.

Heh, don't kid yourself, Onasi. You're too much a stickler for the rules to leave your command ship for too long.

Damn, he had a less of a break then he thought.

His chronometer beeped several times. This was his five-minute warning signal. He had less than ten minutes to arrive at the Republic High Commission's Banquet Hall before the ceremony started. He had delayed his arrival for several reasons: 1. He didn't want to shake anymore hands or have anymore pats on the back. 2. He didn't want his face all over the data papers. 3. He didn't want to give any interviews or answer any questions. 4. He wanted to be there for the shortest amount of time possible without seeming rude.

A last minute slick of his hair (to keep those messy tendrils Revan loved in place) assured Carth that he looked every bit the respectable Republic pilot, allowing him to exit his apartment and enter the cab car with relative confidence. He could have walked the distance if he had wanted to, but being mugged by late reporters was not high on his priority list. It was just like routine retrieval mission, get in, get the formal promotion, then get out as fast he could. It wasn't going to hurt him in the long run.

As the car sped through the air, Carth could make out rows of people lining the streets, some with banners and others frantically waving their arms. Carth slumped back from the window and groaned. Military intelligence? Somebody had obviously leaked this story to the press for a hefty price. The media were desperate for all the information and events concerning the "Heroes of the Republic." Nobody was interested in the missing Wookie, Twi'lek and Mandalorian, no, just as Mission predicted, Carth Onasi was the popular favorite being the good citizen that he was. It was so lucky that Telos was only a colony, because if they dredged up his past then Carth Onasi "Honorable Republic Soldier" would become "Telosian Flyboy Extraordinaire." Thank the Force for the Outer Rim.

The cab rose several feet in the air and came to land by the High Commissions 'special' entrance i.e. no screaming woman. Carth nodded to the driver, the fare already taken care of by the Admiralty and got out, blinded by the sudden illumination of several large, neon lights.

"None of that out here!" barked Dodonna, striding forward to push the media man out of the way. "My apologies, Carth, but they got up here long before we did. Speaking of which, you're lucky to have made it on time."

Carth blinked a few times to clear his vision and took, what he hoped, was her hand. "To tell the truth, Admiral, I didn't really want to come."

Dodonna nodded though she knew he was still blinded. "With all your publicity, I wouldn't want to be here either." She led him quickly through a group of security officials and into the building. "We're not allowing civilians inside, only those with invites are allowed into the hall. Select press will be present for ceremony and your speech, so make sure it's a good one."

"Heh, well, I've never been much of a speech writer, Admiral." Carth's eyes had adjusted to the dim light and he noted that they were in a very plush hallway.

"We only keep the media who make us look good around," assured the Admiral. "Besides, if I know anything about the people who'll be watching, your speech won't matter to them, Carth."

Carth's eyebrows raised. "I guess that's relief to hear, though I can't shake the feeling that something's wrong with that scenario."

Dodonna merely smiled. "Millions of women watching you galaxy wide, I've never known a man to think there's something wrong with that."

"Heh, when you've got Revan on your trail, you're lucky to keep your eyes in your head." Carth was fidgeting with his cuffs as they walked. The gold clips on the white uniform were a much-needed distraction.

The Admiral moved up a flight of stairs, obediently trailed by Carth. "Yes, she does seem the type not to share. I'm worried for all those poor girls who ask for your autograph."

Now Carth was mildly alarmed. No one had been treated this way after the Mandalorian Wars, why the celebrity status all of a sudden? "I'm not that popular…am I?"

Dodonna sighed and looked sideways at Carth. "If my office receives another declaration of marriage from an alien nation of some unknown world, I'm likely to send our new ships to the planet and allow them target practice."

The pilot gave a nervous laugh. "Heh, well if it gets them off my tail…"

"Carth, I need to go over some quick things with you," the Admiral stopped him right before a bend in the corridor. Her voice was soft, "if you want this ceremony to quickly and smoothly, you'll do what I tell you."

Carth raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Very well, Admiral, what do I have to do?"

Dodonna's gaze was stern; she was in order giving mode. "I'll try and make this quick. One, don't wander off alone. Two, stay away from the _Newma Eight Circuit_ reporters, they're a nasty breed but they work for the Senate so we have to invite them. Three, socialize. You've become an admiral and we have to be a social breed. We control the fleet; therefore ships and troop pay are within our care. These things are not cheap and the best ways to make connections are at gatherings like these. Four, we know about your friendship with Saul Karath…its not held against you, but you have to get over any hesitations you have about this job as it will only hinder you."

"You make this sound like some big conspiracy, which it probably is, come to think of it. Why help?" asked Carth. "Anyone else would have left me cold."

"Because I've been in your position, Carth. I wasn't the first person from the ranks to rise to this position, but women typically don't make it this far." Dodonna sighed and Carth noted gray strands in her red hair. "I know you'll make it in this world, Onasi, I have a good instinct about my subordinates and you in particular. You've had a tremendous amount of combat experience and probably learnt a few skills from your Jedi friends that you don't know about yet." She gave a grim smile. "Soldiers stick together, Carth, remember that."

Carth didn't have a chance to answer as Dodonna had moved around the bend and he heard a roar of people asking questions. He quickly checked his dress uniform, making sure the white material was free of smudges and took a deep breath. The kath hound's den awaited him.

Luckily, Carth hadn't had too much trouble passing by the long line of reporters and making his way into the banquet hall. There he found more press, but they did not appear to be a nosy breed. In fact, it was pretty damn hard to spot them among the well-dressed elite of the Republic Command and Senators. He couldn't tell who were the _Newma Eight _reporters, which was fine, because it gave him an excuse not to answer any questions under the pretense that they could be anyone and anywhere.

He did what Dodonna had suggested; he tentatively made his circuit of the room. A few of the Admirals he had met when assigned to Saul, they were the true 'lead the charge' type of men in their tidy, overly pressed uniforms. They took no sass and led by their own example. Carth could spot the commissioned officers; they were the ones cluttered around the drink table with the good looking serving attendees. He passed by them once, acquainting himself with his peers and they appeared to be a jovial sort…at least to his face.

Dodonna didn't give him time to make another round of the room before she commanded the podium. This caused quite a stir of movement as people moved to get into place. Carth was taken to the front of the seating by Admiral Vik, Dodonna's right hand. He took the seat to Carth's left and upon Carth's right there was an empty chair. He presumed it belonged to Dodonna, who was just starting to speak.

"Ladies and Gentlemen," she began, "it is a pleasure that you be here to recognize the fruition of one man's hard work and never ending dedication to bravery and the Republic. If you will bear with me for a moment, I would like to make a few remarks about him before he takes the stand himself.

"Carth Onasi is a man of brilliant integrity and solid heart. Those who know him have only the highest opinion of him and those who don't have at least heard his name mentioned from time to time. We first saw this bright young man as a raw recruit from the outer worlds some twenty years ago. I have been told that the man he is now and the man he was then are two completely different people. On the one hand, you have a handsome, young man who's itching to fly a fighter craft and on the other you have a well matured, honest man who's itching to get command of a starship."

The audience laughed politely at this. Carth was glad she had wasted no time.

"Now I know you must be thinking," continued the Admiral, "how did such an eager, trigger happy youth become the hard working and dedicated man that he is today?" Dodonna's voice became grave. "Such a thing can only be done by a great change. War is such a change. Carth has seen much of it, serving both on and off the field as an advisor or star pilot. He is as versatile giving orders as he is carrying them out, so his former superior once told me. He has never left anyone behind and has always completed his assignments to the best of his abilities, despite all the odds. A gifted marksman and talented planner, he is able to see all points of an enemy's attack and improvise a good counter-offensive on the fly.

"The Mandalorian War was this generation's true test at military prowess. This was a real conflict, not a bread and milk skirmish with some space pirates. The Mandalorians were a dangerous breed, pragmatic to all ends and ready to do anything to get what they wanted. As we know, Commander Onasi was heavily decorated for his bravery in these wars. From rescuing fellow squad members from Mandalorian fire to holding heavily fought space quadrants, there is no doubt that Carth is as loyal and as true as they come.

"We all know the story of Saul Karath, how he became a turncoat and walked out on the Republic. A smart man left us, threatening to pull Carth, one of our greatest assets, with him. But do you know what Carth did?"

Carth closed his eyes. He had done nothing and he prayed that the Admiral wouldn't say anymore.

"Carth knew where his loyalties lied and stayed behind. For this true test, he suffered, losing his wife in the destruction of his homeworld and his son to the Sith. Yet he persisted and dedicated himself even more fully to the Republic. And then one day," again, Dodonna used her secret, feminine smile, "we assigned him to advise the young Jedi Bastila Shan and the rest…the rest is history. I give Carth Onasi my full and most complete trust. He will make us all proud." Dodonna stepped back from the podium to a loud round of applause.

Reporters were talking quickly amongst themselves and comparing notes as Dodonna gestured for Carth to take the podium. He did so reluctantly, pulling out his speech cards from a back pocket. Dodonna had never once looked down at the podium – she hadn't used anything to help her along. Carth was impressed and though slightly nonplussed, he made ready to speak.

"Admiral Dodonna said a great many things about my past exploits, about my bravery, my loyalty, so I'm just going to skip that part of my speech and cut right to the chase." He was greeted with the same round of polite laughter that Dodonna had received. "I want to talk about the Mandalorian Wars for a bit, not my part in them, but of the good men I saw fight and die by my side." He paused, looking down to gather his thoughts. "I wouldn't have made it this far without them and its their doing that you see me here today, not my own.

"I had a friend, whose name was Lieutenant Jorn Darkan. He was a good looking guy, all the girls at port loved him, but he had his own sweetheart back on Chandrila, his home world, so the girls never got very far with him. The biggest thing I remember about Jorn was his love for poetry. I shared a bunk with him on many occasions and he did not shut up about it at all!" This was greeted with a more natural laughter. "When I think of all the times I've heard someone recite one of his favorite poems, I begin to remember that even though we risk ending our lives, there is something worth dying for.

"Jorn died while acting as my wing man. He didn't stand a chance against the Mandalorian Corvette; we were both pretty mangled from cruiser laser fire. He was just blown apart; one minute there and with a flash of red light his ship was debris in space the next. There…there was nothing left." Carth took a steadying breath. "I miss him. He was a good man and by the time the Mandalorians attacked, he had a wife and a daughter. They didn't take the news so well.

"War creates widows and orphans, it rips apart planets and families. Those who order their troops into battle but must remain behind, knowing their squadron might die…its not an easy job to handle. At least as a squadron commander, I was there with my men and had just as much risk of dying. Now Jorn…" Carth glanced down at his notes and then back up.

That's when she entered.

The woman was clothed in a matching dress and jacket set of a glitzy ivory fabric, a feminine hat of the same color resting upon her elegantly braided hair…and a short, white veil concealed all but a sliver of her pale face. The high, angular collar touched the lower extremity of her hairdo, showcasing a long and delicate neck. The small stones of the mesh reflected its creamy tone. It was a popular outfit of the nouveau rich with its Old World flair. Even the homeliest of women could appear mysterious and alluring with the flattering high cut jacket accentuating both lines and curves and the veil allowing for any deformities to be hidden.

This was proved true by the attention the woman commanded as she walked down the center aisle, her heels clicking softly on the hard floor and her white-gloved hands gently grasping a slightly bulging purse. She made no comment to any of the people she passed, her gaze fixed on Carth as he continued on with his speech.

Carth looked down at her as she came closer, her face invisible but for half of one very blue eye and a diagonal slice of dark red lips. She took the seat he had presumed was Admiral Dodonna's, crossing her legs and folding her hands gently in her lap, very serene. She looked just like anyone else, but the movement was almost…almost Jedi like.

And then it clicked.

Revan had come to see his promotion.

A/N: A few minor edits due to Prisoner 24601's spot on comments – flashes from recording equipment in Star Wars. Also tried to modify Revan's outfit per the suggestion. I knew I shouldn't have described what she was wearing in detail… ;-) Also taking Xenzen's comment into consideration, the conversation between Carth and Dodonna has been modified.


	9. Section 1, Chapter 8: Good Intentions

A Step Away

****

I. A Step Away From the Darkness

Good Intentions

Carth accepted the stripes that Dodonna gave to him graciously, allowing her to fasten the Admiralty pin to the front of his dress jacket. She patted his medals with her fingers in appreciation. He had had one hell of a time trying to polish them clean, forgetting just how quickly neglect tarnished the metal. With the rate at how easily they lost their luster when not in use, Carth suspected that the Republic had made them to be worn all the time and not shoved in a box somewhere. Perhaps he wasn't doing any service to his dead comrades if he hid them away…

…but boy, Revan sure looked wonderful.

Revan, while thinking the same thing about Carth, was quite upset that she didn't have the luxury of giving him the proper thanks in public as she normally would have. She was all for walking up on that platform and kissing the silly man soundly. _Actually, _Revan thought, _that's not true._

The data bank of practical knowledge stored away in her brain told her that such behavior would not be looked upon favorably…as would wild applause, loud cat calls, appreciative whistles and lewd actions. She knew her etiquette and while such things might have made her the life of _any_ party, this was _Carth's _night, not her own. She could risk ruining his reputation and her cover. So instead she raised her hands in a polite clap, trying to keep her excitement and happiness contained in the pit of her stomach. Watching Carth get the insignias of an Admiral made her heart burst with love for the man. She was so proud of him and wished that she could show him that without giving away the fact that she was playing the truant Jedi.

The mysterious woman in white had to remain that way: mysterious. Although as long as her face remained hidden, there wouldn't be any proof…

She watched Dodonna place a small box into Carth's hands and say something to him softly. The Jedi found it hard not to like the High Admiral, she was of a mind and temperament similar to Revan's own and guessed that they'd have gotten along famously were the Admiral not so much her senior. However, she was still Carth's superior and she knew he wouldn't like it if she tampered with his career. Carth had earned this promotion on merit and Revan would never ever take that pride away from him, even if it would be as easy as a little 'persuasion.'

Dodonna stepped back from Carth, her work complete, and saluted him. Carth returned the salute with a formal military stiffness. He turned about face and marched back to his seat to let Dodonna say the closing words.

As Carth sat down, Revan re-crossed her legs, bumping her foot into Carth's calf and allowing her hand to brush against his hip. She didn't say anything to him; instead acted as though Dodonna's remarks raptly interested her. But Carth understood the message.

"…a good man has been rewarded with what he deserves. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, for being here to wish him luck."

Music began to play; a fresh new tune, low and sultry.

The Jedi turned in her seat to face Carth, her lips quirked into a seductive smile. "Admiral," she said huskily, trying to keep her voice low, "congratulations."

Carth felt the room heat up around him. He knew what game she was trying to play; they had done it on Taris numerous occasions. She was in disguise; playing the part of the mysterious woman in white while he was cast as the young, good looking Admiral. He liked this game.

"Well thank you, miss,"

"Its so good to see that the Republic has strong, brave men like you to defend it in times of need. Those Mandalorians were savage beasts." She batted her blue eyes beneath her veil and subtly thrust out her chest. Revan was portraying a particularly attractive and yet not too bright persona. She was as brilliant as they came and this rather vapid minded blonde appeared to be nothing like her.

"I saw that you arrived late…any reason why?" Carth folded his arms across his chest.

"Oh," Revan gave a breathless sigh, "that. Well, my driver was late and we couldn't find the address. It's been such a horrible evening."

The way she bobbed her head from side to side and made each breath into a quiet sigh, Carth himself was even beginning to be fooled. It was much harder to believe that Revan wasn't here when he couldn't see her face. He knew that was part of her outfit's brilliance and most likely her plan. The elite liked their mysteries and their games of intrigue, something Revan was personifying with her covered face. People were already taking notice of both her and Carth, buying into her character in an almost lecherous way.

"Miss - "

Revan smiled, "oh, that makes me feel so old," a soft giggle came from behind the veil, "call me Seera."

"Seera…?" prompted Carth.

"Seera Ion. Here," she opened her purse and pulled out a small data card.

Carth quickly scanned it. Where there should have been her residence number and comlink code, there was a message. It read:

Remember Taris. Let's not blow it this time, eh? Love you and incredibly proud of achievement. Will hang off arm and make you look good if desired. Want autograph before other girls. Will kill them if necessary. No funny ideas. HK on standby. Listen for code. Missed you. – LD

He gave her a bemused look and handed the data card back. "You're really something, Miss Ion, you know that?"

"Oh don't make me ask you again," what faint glimpse of Revan's face could be seen turned into a frown. "My name is Seera."

"Ah." Carth nodded. "Right. Uh…"

"Admiral Onasi, would you…" a gloved hand came up to the veil and then dropped back down, a feigned show of girlish embarrassment. "Would you like to dance?"

"I…er…sure," Carth gave an uncertain look around him. _Good, Onasi, pretend she isn't Revan. Be reluctant and no one'll notice. The less gossip, the better._

Revan gave an excited gasp. "Oh, you've made evening." She was quick to stand, perhaps a little too quick for someone in those shoes…but no one was looking at her feet, that was for sure.

Carth stood, straightening his jacket and taking Revan's hand into his own. A small section of the hall had been reserved for a very favorite past time of the rich Senators.

"Look, I haven't uh…danced for a long time," muttered Carth.

"I can dance well enough for the both of us," assured Revan softly. Being Force Sensitive was a gigantic boon at times.

As they approached the dance floor, the tune switched from a slow, languid beat to a much faster jingle. Revan took Carth by the hand and led them to the center of the dancing couples. There was a general pattern to the dance, everyone following similar steps.

"Alderaanian Reel," explained Revan, gripping the lapels of his jacket and tugging him towards her. "Two steps forward, you dip me, two steps right, a twirl and then three steps left"

"I got it, beautiful," affirmed Carth.

"You called me beautiful," sighed the Jedi as she felt Carth's arms wrap themselves around her. She followed his lead to start, sensing his movements with the Force.

"Would I lie to you?" Carth placed a secure hand on Revan's waist, readying himself to dip her backwards.

"So long as they're sweet lies, Admiral," she clutched Carth closer to her, "then you can tell me anything you want." She made sure not to tilt her head too far back in the dip. A small miscalculation and the veil could have slipped away.

"Miss Ion, are you flirting with me?" Carth growled into her ear, straightening her up.

"Not really. Just a habit." Revan repeated the phrase he had used on Taris, stroking the back of his neck with her gloved hand. She kept one vigilant eye on the chair where she had left her purse. It was difficult with all the spinning, but she did her best.

"Somehow," Carth opened his other arm wide to catch the return spin of her body, "I'm not convinced."

Revan smiled, pressing herself into him as the dance continued. "What would it take to convince you?"

Carth took a deep breath. "That's a very tempting offer, Miss Ion."

"Keep it in mind, Admiral," Revan's eyes glittered with wicked pleasure, it was a shame she was hidden from Carth's view. "We could leave early, just the two of us…alone in your quarters. That's seven hours of us totally clothed in the other's warm body and sweat."

"I uh…heh, well…" Carth was left a bit speechless. "Well…I'd think that…"

"Awww," Revan moaned, seeing the look in his eye, "you're a good boy." She pouted at him. "I thought you were different."

Damn it! Revan made the best offers.

"You...you know that wouldn't work," chided Carth, struggling with his tongue. "A beautiful woman like yourself deserves more than seven hours."

"Then we'll make a date of, Admiral," purred Revan into his ear. "I know it will be just marvelous…I can tell by the way you move. Never pegged you for a dancer though."

He laughed, eyes a bit wide. "Well, gorgeous, there's a lot of things you don't know about me." Morgana loved dancing…that was all that had to be said.

Carth didn't say anything else to her until the song ended...Morgana had wanted..._No, nevermind._ "I've got to make my rounds now, Miss Ion."

"Admiral, oh!" she placed her hand on his chest and curled into him. "Do let me come with you."

"Oh, its uh, not that interesting," replied Carth nonchalantly.

"Every good man needs a woman behind him to love and support him. It's a woman's duty. Allow me to be her…" she looked at him with her big, blue eyes, "just for tonight."

Carth kept his grimace inside. Revan was _really _going overboard – that comment would never have come out of her mouth otherwise. "Ok, but don't say I didn't warn you." He proffered his arm to Revan, who gladly molded her way into him. She had this very comfortable way of fitting into his body.

He knew that Revan was going to have a hard time stifling her familiarity with these Senate elite, guessing she had met them all during the Mandalorian Wars. Carth frowned, Revan had risked everything to help the Republic but had not been awarded a single medal in her absence – there hadn't even been talk of a ceremony held in her honor. It was…strange. There must have been a bigger force at work than just the Jedi Council. But if they were smart, and he knew they had their bright moments, then the Jedi would watch the Senators again closely. They didn't care if Revan had betrayed the Republic…or at least, they did in _public. _In private, however, she was a very valuable asset and possibly lucrative.

"Smile, Admiral," Revan leaned her head on his shoulder, steering him back to their seats so she could reclaim her purse, "you look younger."

Carth nodded absently, looking at the various social circles as Revan adjusted her bag. He didn't know which group to join.

"Chancellor Aide Deskal has a son in the Republic Fleet," commented Revan idly as she grasped his arm again, nodding her head to a blonde man veering away from his group to the refreshment table. "Not that you will gain his support just because his son was in your squadron. Very influential man," she dropped her voice low, "has the ear of many Senators and the Chancellor himself. Nice guy too…if you know how to approach him."

"Oh?" Carth raised an eyebrow, "and how's that?"

"Men like Deksal don't just measure their power on money alone." Revan maneuvered them close to the band, their voices being drowned out to any eavesdroppers. "To be of the truly elite you need high position, good connections…and a beautiful woman."

"Heh, at least I've got two of three. But do you really think he's the man to talk to?" Carth began a slow, lazy walk with Revan to intercept the man.

"Absolutely." Revan pressed her body closer to Carth's. "My memory may be shot, but I remember speaking with the Senate and he's the person I was honing in on."

"Perhaps he's just easily corruptible, did you think of that?" asked Carth, ignoring the feel of her body next to his.

Revan giggled. "Surely not, Admiral," they were coming closer to him as they spoke. "Remember, confident and smug, Carth!" she hissed, smoothing her far hand over his bicep.

Carth patted her hand reassuringly. "Don't you worry, doll, you're safe with me."

Deksal turned his head at the voices and cocked it to one side as the couple approached. "Greetings to you, Admiral Onasi, and to you, Miss…?"

"Seera," greeted Revan seductively, "Seera Ion." She held out her hand for him to kiss.

"A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Ion," the Chancellor's Aide took the hand and with a reverent bow, made a dramatic display of kissing it. His voice and gestures were typical of a cultured elite.

Revan tittered in feigned delight. "Its such an honor, Aide Deskal. Your reputation is well known."

"And what sort of reputation is this?" He flicked some long, blonde hair off his shoulders, clear blue eyes interested.

The Jedi was totally prepared for this situation, Carth noticed.

"I…I had only heard rumors," Revan snuggled into Carth, tilting her head as if embarrassed. Her husky, breathless voice gave the indication that she was blushing. "It's said that you are a man of warmth and large…oh, look at me!"

Carth sighed leaned his head on hers. "Don't trouble yourself, Miss Ion." He was thankful that it was only Revan playing a part because women like this really irritated him. They were spiteful, conniving creatures with no concept of loyalty.

"Hidden behind a veil?" Deskal folded his hands neatly in front of him. "I see a lovely figure and hear an enchanting voice but no face to match."

"I couldn't show you," Revan murmured, "a girl has to have her secrets."

"Yes," Deskal nodded his head, "I suppose so." He focused his attention on Carth, Revan's purpose as a decoration was finished. "I believe congratulations are in order, Admiral. Your work during the Mandalorian Wars did not go unnoticed."

Carth had studied Revan very intently on their trip around the galaxy, watching her speak with everyone from the highest business official to a common garbage man. He was going to try a theory of his. So long as he kept all of his reactions under control and kept his eyes attentive, then there'd be a pleasant end to the conversation. Revan buttered people up by giving them her full, undivided attention and making smart, relevant comments to what they had to say. If he could mimic that, then he'd never have any trouble again.

The Admiral nodded his head, face very calm. "I'm glad to hear it, Aide Deskal. Good men fought and died for us to remain free."

"And Jedi too," the Aide's mouth quirked into a smile. "You must tell me all about what travelling the galaxy with four Jedi was like. Especially Revan…I'm sure you two felt quite comfortable with one another, given your past assignments."

Carth gave a thoughtful look. Force, it pained him to act like a Jedi. "After getting to know the Jedi intimately, it's easy to look past the exterior. I spent time with a hypocritical old man, Cathar fighting machine, inexperienced princess and the sweetest, brightest scoundrel you'll ever run into this side of Corellia."

Deskal gave an appreciative smile. "And just how…intimate is intimate?"

"I'm not a man to kiss and tell, Deskal," said Carth with a causal wave of his hand. "And even if I was, they're Jedi. How much colder can you get?"

"Ah, the frigid reputation of the Jedi does them no good, wouldn't you agree, Admiral? Though I must say," continued Deskal with a smirk, "that they don't _all_ fit the typical mold."

"By that you mean Revan," responded Carth warily. Somehow, it always came down to Revan. He hoped that his popularity was not based solely on his relationship with the Jedi, but he couldn't help but give an inward sigh. That's what politics was about, wasn't it? Who you knew and who you were associated with.

"Everybody knows Revan was the greatest Jedi in generations. Or should I say _is _the greatest. You've seen what she's capable of and she is _very_ impressive. Hot, fiery." The Chancellor's Aide gave a sigh. "She can convince anybody with that smile of hers."

Carth felt himself echoing the sentiment, nodding his head in agreement. "Don't forget how she looks at you with those eyes of hers."

Revan tried to keep the vacant smile on her face from turning into a smirk.

"Why'd they have to make women like that so unattainable?" mused Deskal.

"I would assume that its because she knows what she wants. You know how women are when they've got their hearts set on something," placated Carth, feeling very unsure of himself. Chances are that he was more likely to end up as Mr. Revan as opposed to Revan becoming Mrs. Onasi. And he knew Revan knew it too.

"Stubborn as tomorrow," agreed Deskal. "You must have had some trouble with her."

Well, if all Deskal wanted to do was talk about Revan, Carth's favorite subject, then he'd get his wish. "Besides prying my secrets and driving me up and down the walls? Heh, no trouble at all. Just like trying to chase your own shadow."

"Oh, Admiral, you are so funny!" Revan gave a tinkering sound of delight. It was a signal that said: 'flyboy, watch what you say or lose your tongue.'

While Revan didn't mind herself being talked about by these two men, she didn't want Carth to inadvertently say anything that was going to damage his career or make him a target. It was best that they let their relationship lie low for awhile, wait for the press to die down. Carth could rise high and fast with his popularity and homeboy charm. He was polite, down to earth and fiercely loyal – who didn't like that? She could think of one group of people: the Senate _Newma Eight Circuit_. Scourge of any true Republic Citizen in the public's eye, they worked relentlessly to ruin reputations and destroy lives. And they were paid well for it. Revan wanted Carth to fly as high as he could, free from those dogs.

Deskal gave an amused smile to Carth. "Miss Ion appears to think you are quite something, Admiral."

Carth smiled fondly at Revan. "We're getting along great."

The Aide nodded his head in respect. Deskal had been born into a wealthy family on Alderaan and he knew the importance of rank. However, he had no use for people with a lot of money but little interest. It took more than financial assets to impress him. Anybody could get rich...but did they have class? He loved artwork and music, fine wine and food, but most of all, he loved good-looking women. It was the sure sign that a man was a success when he had attractive women hanging from his arms. The same could be said about failure. He knew a man's fall was near when the women started leaving him, seeking their love of prestige and rank elsewhere. Onasi, it appeared, had women all over the galaxy falling at his feet.

This one in particular seemed quite besotted with the man and by the looks of her, she came from a family with money and class. That outfit did not come cheap – his wife had several of the same in different colors.

"Mhmmm," Revan purred for emphasis, wondering what exactly her true relationship with Deskal had been in the past. She guessed that he was all talk, and was trying to provoke Carth. Test the waters, so to speak. She did it herself all the time, making comments here and there to assess the state of a conversation. Deskal was ignoring her for the most part and it gave her the opportunity to study him…and the black shadow that was lurking not far from their left. _Newma Eight _was easy to sense using the Force; their greed gave Revan a headache. They had to be extra cautious.

"I suppose you can't tell me more about our favorite Jedi then?" Deskal looked regretful. "I'd love to see her again. They don't make women like her, Admiral. She's the perfect trophy to place on any man's mantle." He gave a small laugh as an afterthought. "And mine is quite the size."

Carth gave a wordless splutter.

Revan cursed silently.

Deskal noted the glint in the Admiral's eye, storing away this information. While he was beginning to like Carth, the man had very little tact. "Yes," he gave a crooked smile, "I'm sure she'd fit nicely on it. A bit snug perhaps, but that is rather gauche of me to say. If I saw her again…I'll have to test if my assumption is correct." The Aide watched Carth carefully.

Carth felt his stomach flip and had an over powering desire to knock the man's pearly teeth out. Deskal made his skin crawl. For one, he didn't respect women, let alone recognize them as equals and surpassing all that, he was admitting that he had made - and was planning to make - sexual advances on Revan! That nearly did Carth in. Any chance of a friendship between him and the Aide was gone. He wanted nothing to do with such a dishonorable man.

Revan felt the rising anger within Carth, a lesser feeling bubbling within herself, and knew that an explosion here would be devastating. _Newma Eight _was nearby, ready to film the moment when Carth's fist came flying out to smack Deskal in the face. Well associated with scandal and intrigue, the Jedi knew that this all a political pazaak game. Deskal, while most likely truthful in his confession that he desired her, was testing Carth's mettle and the poor man couldn't see it because of his high morals. Carth was in a dangerous position because he was blinded by his good boy nature and not conditioned to pushing aside his anger. Revan understood that she had to intervene. She had his back on this.

Besides, she knew what Deskal _really_ liked.

"Admiral," she whispered into his ear, relying on her voice to convey the message as her face was not an option, "you promised me and I can't wait any longer…mmmmm...outside. Please?" Revan fingered a button on her top suggestively.

Deskal gave a lascivious smile. He was both voyeur and connoisseur...and he wished he'd gotten to this blonde creature first! Alas, it was the Admiral's good fortune this night. "I can see your lady friend wants your ship to explore deep space," he extended his hand out to the Admiral. "A pleasure, my friend." Personally, he hated to be kept waiting when there were other...pressing engagements. Best let the Admiral leave quickly, though he was mildly disappointed at the interruption. Ah well, there were other opportunities.

Carth took the hand, plastering a surprised grin on his face. "I'll be seeing you 'round, Deskal." All he had to do was raise his fist and…

Revan grabbed his arm, pulling him through the crowd with a seemingly amorous intent. Women dressed like her did not arrive late for any reason other than to attract the attention of men. Nobody even batted an eye as they left, too absorbed in themselves and bored of seeing the same sight over and over again. Revan sighed, grateful for this, and readied herself. It was about time she had a talk with Carth concerning some little things she liked to call 'control,' 'politics,' and 'respect.'

She knew he had questions, hell she'd have questions too, but this time Revan knew she didn't have any solid answers to give him. The certainty he wanted was lost along with her past.


	10. Section 1, Chapter 9: The Best Outcome

A Step Away

**A Step Away From the Darkness**

A/N: Well, after a few months of idleness, I finally churned out Chapter 9! Forgive me for the wait, this is the last part of Section I.

**The Best Outcome**

Revan threw herself into the chair closest to her bed and leaned back, scrubbing her face with her palms. It had been a long night for her and even though she was now free of her costume, she still felt the lingering effects of the party on the edge of her senses. The heavily perfumed air lingered in her nose and the feel of Carth's hands on her waist and back remained. She knew that if she stood, her feet would probably continue to carry her in a waltz and she had the urge to twitter in laughter. Despite her best mental defenses, the night had gotten under her skin just like she was afraid it would.

"And yet it was all worth it," she said dreamily…

Carth had insisted they return to his apartment and Revan had been excited to finally get some quality alone time with the man. She was not surprised to find it larger than her own quarters at the Jedi Temple. She had a bed, a desk and several chairs. If she was hungry, she went to the Main Hall for food. Carth, however, had a kitchen, a bedroom, a living space and a dining space; the living space at least appeared to be clean and orderly. Revan would be lying if she said she hadn't wanted to inspect the bedroom.

Eerily similar to their time together on Taris, he poured her a drink. Yet instead of it being brownish water from a rusty faucet, it was some potent brandy. The burn down her throat reminded her of long hyperspace jumps between Corellia and Deralia. False memories, but realistically soothing and she had settled back on the sofa comfortably and waited for him to return. Carth sat down beside her gingerly, placing his drink on the caffa lounge next to some datapads.

It had been a tentative silence, reflected Revan, edged with the unknown spoken question of Deskal's earlier comment. She closed her eyes and sighed. She was proud of how she had handled the situation with Carth and yet felt just as guilty that she couldn't reassure him…

"You don't have any answers, do you?"

Revan shook her head, smiling sheepishly. "Flyboy, if I did, I wouldn't be so angry with the Jedi for wiping my mind."

"What's a monster like Deskal doing with the Jedi anyway?"

She shrugged in response and stretched out an arm behind Carth's shoulders, yawning all the while. "I don't know, Carth." She pulled him towards her, resting his head against her shoulder. "The Jedi circulate with the Senators if there is something to be gained. Jolee would say we're hypocrites."

Carth's hand stroked the fabric on her thigh as he thought of what to say. "I don't know what to think anymore, Libra. I mean, I knew people like him are out there, and there are people like you out there too…I just…heh." He sighed. "I just can't figure out where I am."

"In all the shades of gray, Carth, that's where you are."

"Shades of gray?" He laughed. "Don't get metaphorical on me, beautiful, I'm just a pilot from Telos."

"Metaphorical indeed," replied Revan with an air of mock indignation. "You have Jedi, who are white; Sith, who are black; and everyone else in between that make up the gray."

"So you're white, you're saying?"

"No," Revan rubbed her cheek against the top his head. "I'm not really white, at least, not anymore. I don't think anyone can be purely white…that would make them very naïve and innocent. People like that die."

Carth lifted his head and raised an eyebrow. "Would you mind if I told you that I prefer to see the world in color?"

"Then I'd have to say you're colorblind." Revan gave him a wink and then tilted her head to a peg by the door that held an orange flight jacket. "Orange, Carth?"

Carth rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Damn it, woman, how many times do I have to keep saying its regulation?"

"Ah, but not regulation anymore." Revan shifted towards him, her hands crawling up his chest to finger the new badges lovingly. "My little pilot has become an Admiral." She smirked. "Does that mean you graduate to red now?"

"You're going to turn into one of those wives who are embarrassed to see their husband in his old flight clothes." Carth gave her a look of long suffering. "You're killing me, gorgeous."

Revan sat back for a moment and studied his face, processing that he had used the 'w' word. Wife. Would she become his wife? Or more appropriately, could she? "I'd rather see my husband sans clothes," she said pointedly, covering her momentary hesitation. "But when you're married to the most handsome pilot in the galaxy," she smoothed a finger below his chin, "no less should be expected…"

Finding herself not in the company of Carth and alone back in her room, Revan stood and paced for a bit, wondering about the future. She checked her chronometer, made a circuit about her room, checked the chronometer again and did another lap, all the while her mind analyzing and cataloging appointments, visits and, if anymore, promotions. Later on in the day the Jedi Council would decide if she would revert back to her Jedi Knight status or remain a master-less Padawan.

If she became a Knight once again, Revan knew she would stay on with the Jedi Order and try to combat any of the remaining Sith. If she was forced to continue on as a Padawan, she was walking away a free woman. She did not have the time for extra training, did not have the patience to wait and be taught things she already knew. The techniques of the Jedi were in her blood, they were instinctive now. Perhaps she did not have her full memories, she never would, but the knowledge was in her subconscious mind.

Justice was waiting to be done; so many innocents had to be protected. Taris had shown her smuggler-self enough of sentient hatred and discrimination…and her memories walked a parallel path. In order to re-forge herself, if there was any chance she could ever feel complete, she would have to embrace the similarities without regret. Revan and Libra both wanted to do good things…but something had twisted Revan. Libra was not yet without hope.

(((((((((()::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::>

_Beep._

Revan buried her face into her pillow at the response of the nagging door buzzer.

_Beep._

_Beep._

_Be-b-be-be-be-b-b-beep._

She reached for her lightsaber on the nearby table and groggily threw off the covers, stalking to the door in her loose robes to kill the annoying insect waiting on the other side.

_Beep._

Pressing the button, Revan ignited her saber and stood in the doorway, the blue highlighting her haggard face to the Twi'lek who stood on other side.

"It is good to see you again…my friend."

It took a moment for the synapses in her brain to fire and recognition to set in. "Yuthura? Is that you?" The lightsaber hissed shut.

"Yes, it is I." The former Sith looked relieved to see her. "I was told you would be here."

"Hehe, well you uh, you caught me at a bad time," Revan stood aside and motioned for Yuthura to enter. "I was out late."

"Oh?"

"My crew member received a promotion," she lazily ran a hand through her hair while Yuthura took a ginger seat and crossed her legs. "So why are you here?"

"My shuttle arrived yesterday," explained the Twi'lek, "and I have been gathering information," she laughed, "my apologies, I have been acquainting myself with the Temple."

"Gathering information about the Jedi?" Revan waved away the apology by taking the seat across from her. "There wouldn't be much to learn, I'm afraid. So how do you like it?"

"It is strange…I feel at peace here."

"Well, at least that's one of us," responded the blonde slyly. "I always feel like there's something missing here."

"When you have lived in a Sith enclave and a slave quarters, this is a most welcome change," said Yuthura quietly, purple eyes hovering over Revan's red and sleep-marked face. "Did I disturb you?"

"I was sleeping, if you hadn't guessed," Revan shrugged, "but I suppose it was only a matter of time before I woke up to see the Council. I'd have dreamed myself awake though."

"You suffer from dreams?" Yuthura placed an elegant hand to her chin. "Though, that is not unusual for ones as powerful as you. Many of the students at the Academy dreamt."

"Ah, but not all the same dream."

Yuthura shook her head. "Not so. When we…" she looked sheepish, "when we took the information from them, they all had the same patterns."

Revan laughed. "Can I guess? Big green shaft of light, feeling of wrongness, haunting voice, no control over body and slow, painful death when the voice's offer is denied?"

"Yes."

Revan looked at her, nonplussed.

"Does that make you feel less…unique?" teased Yuthura.

"That sounded like one of your Sith lines," replied Revan bitterly. "And it also takes away my excuse."

"Excuse for?"

"Are you my counselor now?" Revan looked at her darkly.

Yuthura's brow raised and she gave a rueful smile. "I am sorry, my friend. The habits of a teacher take many years to fade. If you do not wish to tell me I will not ask."

"Thank you," said Revan gratefully. "I've still got to get over the idea that there are possibly other Jedi n the galaxy who experienced what I did."

"You will find them."

"Do you really think so?"

The Twi'lek smiled and gave a knowing look. "Oh, I have no doubt that you will succeed in this task. You are quite…resilient."

Revan nodded. "Yes, I've been called that before."

"Among other things," added Yuthura slowly.

"Ah yes," Revan rocked back and forth in her chair, "other things. Blind, arrogant, selfish people who don't know what they're talking about."

"Do they?"

"You are very prophetic today, you know that?"

Yuthura settled back in her chair, eyes attentive on Revan. "My old master said something to me long ago that I did not fully realize until today. 'I may guide the blind with my words, but it is they who help me walk the path.'" Her fingers steepled in front of her face. "We help each other with our wisdom."

Revan was very touched by these words and knew she would remember them all her life.

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Wearing the robes she had acquired from the Star Forge, mended by the versatile T3-M4, Revan made an ostentatious arrival into the Temple Gardens. Here beneath the lush green canopy of the biosphere, the Jedi Council had decided to meet. It was a symbolic reference to the decision they were about to make, one of rebirth and new growth. As she walked in, her had brushed against several hanging flower vines, the blue and gold petals crumbling as she hit them. Life was so very fragile.

"Welcome, Padawan Revan," greeted Relanai softly. She and the rest of the Council were sitting by a small synthetic waterfall, the spray of the water shrouding them in a very fine mist.

"Hello," said Revan warily.

"Will you sit and join us?" Morio sat the edge of the group and patted the space on the ground beside him. Upon seeing Revan's incredulous gaze he laughed and folded his hands in his lap. "Padawan, you can not intimidate us by standing. Come, sit and let us begin."

On the other side sat a rather nasty looking Cathar, her face narrowed and a very palpable aura of dislike pulsing from her brown body. Revan decided to take her chances with the Master from Alderaan. Arguing with the Council, she was beginning to understand, was just a waste of her time. She would have to wheedle and work them into where she wanted them, and with Jolee's help it would hopefully be much easier.

_You clever bastards,_ she thought upon noting that Jolee was kept cloistered between the rather ugly Trandoshan and the Ryn. _You've kept him locked away from me._

The Iktotchi gave a polite cough, indicating that her emotions were spilling out into the open. Revan quickly imagined building a wall of durasteel about herself to hide her thoughts. When the Iktotchi nodded discreetly, Revan stopped reinforcing it with ferrocarbon.

Some moments passed in silence and Revan tried not to shift uncomfortably. The garden's temperature had been raised to support the blooming plant life and Revan was dearly regretting wearing the heavy, long sleeved robe. It was useless now that she had drained it of energy in her battle against Malak, more ceremonial than practical. She could hardly move in it and had nearly lost her life to her former friend when her legs had become tangled in the long skirt. It stuck to her body as she began to perspire.

"So, are we going to start this interrogation?"

Vrook shook his head. "It is not an interrogation, Revan."

Revan frowned. _That's what you said last time, and look who ended up on the floor?_

Once again the Iktotchi coughed.

She gave a sigh. "I am trying, all right?"

"It is not a matter of trying but of doing," he responded quietly.

"Perhaps if I wasn't being provoked," suggested Revan.

Morio placed a gentle hand on her shoulder. "You are not being provoked."

"It feels like it."

"So much has not changed with you, Revan, you are still the child I knew, the child who could not control herself." It was the Cathar.

"Master Dahartha," said Relanai quietly, "let the past lie in the past. We are Jedi Masters, we are above this."

"Your Padawan," said Dahartha slowly, "listened to those wiser than her. That is why she is still a serving member of the Jedi Order."

Revan titled her head to one side. "Your Padawan followed me?"

"To her death," replied the Cathar sharply. "Followed you to her death."

_Another sleeping ghost._ Revan gave a mild bow of her head. "I am sorry for her loss."

"As are we all," Je'roth, the Ryn, interjected shrewdly. "Telra was a promising Knight."

Revan's eyes became guarded. "Telra?" _Telra…from the battleship. My friend. _She feigned a spell of indifference. "Was that her name?"

"You do not remember Telra?" Dahartha's eyes became slits.

"I did have my mind wiped," reminded Revan.

Master Vrook scowled. "We could not salvage your mind from death."

"I retain nothing then of my former life due to circumstances out of my control." Revan swept her eyes over the Council. "I get tired of repeating this."

"Padawan, you can not afford to be tired." Vrook's sigh was long and rang through Revan's ears.

It was Revan's turn to frown. "You are stalling."

"I am not," he said simply, "it is just that this unresolved issue will determine your fate as a Jedi Knight. The Force is guiding you on a path we can not see."

If Revan hadn't learnt anything from her mind and her time searching for the Star Forge, she might have said, 'then let the Force guide me and be done with it.' But she had a more tempered hand now and was perhaps, a little wiser. So instead she replied: "then let the Force guide me, and let us track my footsteps in the sand."

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Carth's footsteps sounded too heavy on the stone path in the garden. He and Admiral Dodonna had been summoned for an impromptu meeting with the Jedi Council, but impromptu by Jedi standards was a day's notice. He had neglected to mention to Revan the night before about this meeting, thinking it best to find out just what the Jedi wanted. He did not want her to incur their wrath anymore than she had to, if indeed she even cared about such things.

The came around a bend and into a separate grove of flowers leading to another entrance into the Temple. Seated by the nearby waterfall were the members of the Jedi Council and one very surprised looking Revan. But she was not surprised to see him it seemed.

He noted that within the Jedi Council there were certain cliques. That information hit him almost immediately. It was strange to realize that the Jedi were not a bipartisan group, but actually did have their own social circles. Seated together, hands touching one another, were the Ryn, Trandoshan and Rodian. It looked innocent enough, but none of the other members were making physical contact with each other, which was oddly suspicious to him. Then again, everything was suspicious, but he couldn't shake the feeling that they were passing along some form of mental gossip to each other. He didn't know; he had no idea how the Force worked. He was just amazed that the Jedi Order didn't collapse in on itself during times of crisis.

Upon seeing them, or more likely sensing them, the Jedi stood and gave small bows of acknowledgement to the newcomers.

Carth looked to Jolee who gave him a wry smirk and then did a double dart with his eyes towards Revan. Carth followed the look, watching the Jedi next to her say something and seeing her laugh. The Jedi was fairly handsome in Carth's opinion, his smile was white and his hair appeared to be blond. He was probably too old for her.

"You summoned us, Masters?" asked Dodonna, returning their bows with a stiff nod of her head. Carth followed suit.

"We have asked you to come so that we may discuss an arrangement," said Vandar, hands holding on to his small, carved staff.

Dodonna moved forward with determination in her steps, Carth trailing at her heels. "Then let us speak…and openly."

Morio and Relanai exchanged amused glances.

Revan caught Carth's gaze and shrugged her shoulders, as if to say 'they haven't told me either, flyboy.'

"The Sith are still hiding on the outer regions of the galaxy," explained Vrook. "Malak may have been defeated but their threat has not yet been eliminated."

"We are working on repairing our current cruisers before returning to the fight," Dodonna folded her hands behind her back. "Is there something you are asking of the Republic Military?"

"The Jedi fought the Mandalorians but it was not with the consent of the Jedi Council. This must be rectified," he continued. "We gave some aid to the struggle against Malak, but with the Star Forge on his side and on Revan's side, there was little we can do. This time, our chances of eliminating the Sith fleets are greater." He paused, his face grave. "There are many Jedi who wish to join in this fight. Rather than have a second experience with a talented, brash young Knight, we have decided to open the conflict to the Jedi…but only in support of the Republic Military."

Dodonna raised an eyebrow in question. "Are you suggesting, Master Vrook, that we are to have Jedi Officers aboard our ships?"

The Council nodded in response.

"They will be in direct communication with us," added Relanai, "and if the time comes, the Jedi will leave the ship to perform their own tasks."

Revan filed this information away.

Carth's eyes darted from master to master. "What type of tasks?"

"That, Admiral Onasi, has yet to be specified by the Jedi Council." Vrook's tone indicated that the topic was off limits, confirming both Carth and Revan's beliefs that they Council had something up their sleeve.

"I will need to discuss this with the other Admirals," returned Dodonna. "They may not see the benefit in having a Jedi aboard the ship."

"Jedi can turn the tide of battles, can command troops, can sense when other forces are nearby…they can be unobtrusive." Morio gave Dodonna his wisest smile, teeth flashing as the sun filtered through the glass and tree canopy above them. "It is always wise to use resources when available."

"You needn't explain yourself to me, Master Jedi, only to my fellows." Her look was eloquent. "Master Vrook, Master Vandar, if you might accompany me somewhere private, we can call the other Admirals and get their general consensus."

Revan looked to Dodonna curiously. "Will they not be doing other things?"

"They should be awake by now," the irony not lost in her tone, Dodonna let Vrook and Vandar lead her away, leaving Carth to remain in the presence of the Jedi for however long it would take her.

And so Carth sauntered casually over to Revan's side, trying to look very calm and collected. Revan gave him an amused smile.

"Admiral," she nodded her head in polite greeting.

"Libra," came Carth's clipped response.

"Carth," Jolee's grumbled, walking over. "How've you been, sonny?"

"Good enough, I guess. Hey, look, Jolee, what're you doing here?"

Morio looked over Revan's shoulder at him. "He is replacing Master Vandar."

"No way!" Carth's mouth gaped open. "Jolee, is that true?"

"Yup, I'm afraid so." Jolee scratched his beard thoughtfully, "though I can't see what good I'll do here. It's not as if I'm some young gun with a full head of hair anymore."

"So what happened before I got here?" he asked.

"We were just discussing whether or not I was fit to be a Knight again," explained Revan. "It was a rather long, boring conversation."

"What's the verdict?"

"It seems I am to be reinstated as a Knight," Revan leaned forward, her voice dropping low, "if I am successful."

"Successful?" Carth sighed. "Heh, why didn't I guess…"

"It seems the Council wants me to - "

"Admiral Onasi!"

Carth turned around to find the red Twi'lek Master slowly walking his way. He glanced back to Revan and gave her a look of confusion. She just fluttered her hands in a shooing motion. He moved forward to greet her.

"Admiral Onasi, what a pleasure to meet you finally in person!"

Carth inclined his head towards her. "Likewise, Master…"

"Relanai," she prompted. "Master Relanai." She placed a slender hand on her hip.

"How many Pada…Pado…" Carth struggled for the word.

"Padawans?" suggested Relanai.

"How many Padawans have you trained?"

The Twi'lek thought about it for a few moments. "I have had ten students."

"Wow, pretty impressive." Carth couldn't quite wrap his mind around having that many cadets under his wing to train personally.

"We do what we can for the young," she replied pleasantly. Her smile caused the lines around her eyes to crease, giving him some indication about her age.

"I suppose we do," agreed Carth, suspicious of why he'd been singled out.

"Admiral Onasi, I have one more question to ask of you." Relanai leaned forward, the glittering purple of her eyes suggesting more than just womanly persuasion was at work. "But I must talk with you in private for a moment.

Carth heard Revan snort behind him and he tried to stifle his laugh. He shook off the sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach and steeled himself. "Lead on, Master."

Relanai took him a little beyond the waterfall. The group was still in sight but the various conversations were muted from the distance. She watched him for a few moments before leaning close, standing on her tiptoes to stand eye-to-eye with him. "Tell me, Admiral Onasi…what is it like to love a bright star of the Jedi Order?" Her gaze was intense and challenging, accusing even. "Are you a man who seeks to harness her power to further your career? Do you seek to smother her light so that you can shine instead?"

Carth took a step back from her, angry that she would even suggest thing. "I would never do that!" he hissed at her. "Not even if I was going to be demoted and sent to work in the darkest mines of Peragus. I am _not _Deskal!"

"Ah," she nodded sagely. "You have met him. But are you so sure you will not become him?" Relanai looked at him with all the power of the Force. "How do I know that your word is worthy?"

"If you want some sort of proof, some confirmation, then you can ask Libra herself instead of cornering me like some wild animal." Carth stood straighter, his back totally rigid and he glared down at Relanai now that he had the height advantage. "I only want you to leave her alone. Sometimes I think I don't want her anywhere near you Jedi, regardless of what I told her earlier. You'll make her bleed a hell of a lot more than I ever could."

The Master shook her head. "You're wrong, Admiral."

"Yeah? Then prove it." Carth let the challenge hang in the air.

"You don't want that to happen," murmured Relanai, stepping back. "None of us want that to happen, you know."

Carth wasn't quite sure he believed her, but she had moved away from him before he could respond back. He muttered a curse under his breath and went to rejoin Revan and Jolee. It would be three standard hours before Dodonna returned and when she did she sought his gaze. He knew that the other Admirals had agreed and the deal was as good as done.

As soon as his flagship was ready, Revan would be assigned as his Jedi Adviser.

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A/N: Should have done this earlier but I will be more diligent. I end up writing one of these for every chapter and yet as soon as I go back to edit they disappear. 'Tis very disconcerting. But thank you all so much!

**Arrowmaker & Janeta Siri –** I'm so happy to hear that you're enjoying this; your vote of confidence in the characters makes my day! I'll try and update more frequently.

**Firera –** Yes, its lucky that Revan seems to be able to sense when Carth's going to get himself in trouble. Just think of the scandal that could have happened!

**Gear152 –** You like my Revan? Well, she likes you too…and what protagonist doesn't have an internal struggle?

**Krazed Kaioshin Fangirl –** Yes…zee romance. Revan's fate really depends on Carth and Carth's depends on how he handles his new job. They're not a 'love at first sight' pair, but more of a 'working partnership blossoms into something beautiful.'

**LunaticPandora1 –** Naturally it sucks to kill your best friend, especially when said friend's former Jedi Master just happens to be sitting on the Council…and Deskal is a bit of a creep, but he's…a benevolent one. Unpaid debts often mean 'favors' of the lascivious kind but if Deskal likes you…

**Pallas-Athena –**Well written and entertaining? Thank you so much! But Carth becoming a politician? Hmmm, that will be quite a feat, but then he won't see much more political action for the rest of the story. : )

**Prisoner 24601 –** Well, JVJ, I know that I can always count on you to provide some great critique on each chapter. You're a huge asset to any writer and very, very helpful. I'm glad that _ASA _is keeping you interested!

**Xenzen **– Thanks for picking up on the errors. I still say watch out for the first copy to head into your inbox one of these days! ;) Carth is a good boy and you're right, far too honest for politics. His paranoia, however, would serve to aide him. He'll never be able to persuade the Senate on anything but then he's got Revan, and she's a very powerful tool if used correctly. Though she'd hate to be thought of as such! (And your suggestions are, as always, noted and implemented!)

**LtSonya –** Ooooh, thank you! I didn't want to try a game-verse story, because I'd get hung up on Taris and it would span 20 chapters or more. And I hated Taris after the twelfth run through, so imagine how others might feel. The Jedi Council is the rather decisive factor of the storyline, because they're always around pulling strings and makings things happen. Carth and Revan will get what they want soon enough, but they're going to have to work for it a bit. Like any relationship really. But the words of encouragement are really appreciated!


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